


Small Hands

by icemememan



Category: South Park
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Child Abuse, Drug Use, Implied Kyle Broflovski/Stan Marsh, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Marijuana, Other, highschool, i never know what to put in these tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-08
Updated: 2018-10-07
Packaged: 2019-06-24 01:45:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 30,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15619761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icemememan/pseuds/icemememan
Summary: "More than four children die every day as a result of child abuse.And you were not one of them. (Though sometimes you wish you were)"His father does not apologize and on some level he is strangely alright with that.With that one thought muttered into his hand and pressed against his heart he leaves behind his home life, to pretend that he is a completely different person, the person that he desperately wants to be.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome! I've been going through my archives on Google Docs and I actually... found this like 70 page fan fiction that I wrote that I never posted. I'm not sure why I didn't, But I'm really excited to introduce you guys to it! I've re-read and fixed up some of the content but I think its generally good for something I wrote in 2015! Part 2 is already written, I just want to add to it, make it newer and longer. So expect an update soon!  
> Leave a kudos, or even a comment and let me know what you think, what you like, or even what you don't! And most importantly, ENJOY! I hope you like it as much as I liked reworking it!

Butters slowly dragged the fingertips of his left hand up a dark red bruise on his rib cage, a thin toothed comb in his right hand. His blonde hair was askew in every direction and regardless of the boy constantly pushing it back with an open palm it still fell back against his forehead every time he turned his attention back down. His teeth were chattering in the cold of the night, well, that and due to the ice pack he had left on the bruise for a bit to see if some of it would dissipate. He had overheard in _great_ deal about old friends breaking down hickies with ice packs and combs or even hiding them with make-up as a last resort. If a hickie was just a little bruise a big one would only mean it’d be a little more time consuming to hide, no?

He took a slow deep breath and held it in until his chest went sore, exhaling and breathing in a deeper one. He forced himself not to remember the brutal thrashing his dad had given him a few hours before to keep from crumbling against himself in the dark. If he could block it out enough he could probably successfully pretend he didn't know how he got it. Possibly during gym class that morning... he "couldn't recall". It was an accident, anyway. His dad was always sure to avoid letting himself boil with rage but god when Butters saw the vein in his forehead stick out he knew he sure was gonna get it. And he did, he really did. But it was an _accident._

He figured if it usually takes his dad a night to calm down from his anger anyway he should wait a bit longer before speaking out of term again… or trying to snap back. Even his mother couldn't have helped him this time. Butters figured that after his mom signed the divorce papers she would take him away somewhere nice… like Hawaii again but permanent or even some gross motel across town. Somewhere that wasn't here. That’s all he’s wanted for a long long time. But here he waits for months and months and the process hasn't even reached the point where his mom can sign anything. No matter how much she wants to leave she is at a stand still. He doesn't even want to think about a custody battle right now. On the original thought he ponders and swears to himself that if he ever saw his dad go to hurt his mom he would take those hits for her because she was his only hope. His dad never even raised a hand to her.

He knew she wouldn't endure it like Butters did.

He took a deep breath for the fourth and final time but he was crying now. He remembered it and _fuck_ he always tried to hard to be grown up. He wanted to be past the point of crying like a baby. He wanted to feel like he was okay even after all the physical proof that he WASN'T. He tried to imagine the other boys in town accidentally giving him this bruise in a playful fight but he wouldn't bring himself to think of how and it just made his chest ache. He couldn't even tell himself not to be scared anymore because he was. He was so scared.

He brought the comb to his cold numb skin and started to erratically rub up and down along the edges at first, trying to spread along the blood pooling under his skin and help it at least heal faster if not look a little smaller. At first it was a little scratching but then he started really going towards the middle and he had to clench his teeth as hard as he could to keep from whimpering out. He could take the pain, he knew that much, but the constant burning and aching and the god damn bile rising in his throat from these memories made him stop most of the way through and toss the comb against the messy bed. The second it hit the sheets he lost it in the sea of messy warm folds.

He just stood there for a minute and leaned forward to look in the mirror closer. He wasn't sure of what he was looking at anymore and the moonlight from his window had left him with no more white light to support his reflection.

He just stared in the darkness at the outline of his naked self and thought things he swore he wouldn't the night before. He wondered if he leaned against a mirror if his reflection would somehow come out and wrap his warmer arms around him and pull him through. Though, the idea in itself made him feel kind of stupid enough to try it.

The mirrors freezing cold glass against his chest just made him feel that much more empty.

 

**

 

South Park High School was the second most helpful escape when it came to the wrath of his father. In all its disappointing knowledge there was this glory in going somewhere where nobody was perfect and everyone’s parents were the bad guys. Butters briefly remembers just one thing every single day when he wakes up.

 

**More than four children die every day as a result of child abuse.**

And you were not one of them. (Though sometimes you wish you were)

 

His father does not apologize and on some level he is strangely alright with that. 

With that one thought muttered into his hand and pressed against his heart he leaves behind his home life, to pretend that he is a completely different person, the person that he desperately wants to be.

He walks the halls with a smile, because the familiar scent of library books and mixtures of other living breathing people are intoxicating. He looks down at a freshman looking for her class and kindly helps her because she is ALIVE today. Her heart is beating and there is a hint of fear in her eyes when she loses herself. Butters never wants to be the kind of person who leaves someone lost because he’d never wanted to feel this way. He even walks her to her class with that awkward nervous tick of his, pushing his knuckles together and wishing her a good day as he watches her hair flutter beautifully against the air conditioner inside her classroom. He feels creepy for just standing there until she sits down but he can just about imagine her heartbeat slowing down and god just to be alive fascinates him to no given end sometimes. He briefly wonders if her father would ever hit such a beautiful girl, then quickly pushes all thoughts from his mind to protect himself from the rising pain in his heart.

He was gonna be happy today. Or try like hell to be.

He pushes his hair back on his head but it falls in tufts all around like it usually does and part of him has the same exact second thought every day. He should really get his hair trimmed. He never does. It was getting pretty long now...

When he walks into his class with those same 18 familiar faces and somehow the monotony puts him at ease; to know there’s a desk he sits in every single day next to people who put him (hopefully) in somewhat fond regard. He settles himself down next to the empty seat of one of his consistently absent acquaintances, Kenny, and it looks like today isn't one of the exceptions to his lack of attendance. It’s only when he realizes that no one said Hello to him that Cartman wasn't there either… somehow that made his day a little brighter. Okay, a lot better. Enough to curl a little smile to his face.

He was brought out of his stupor when one of his... "friends", Stan, somewhat harshly tapped on his shoulder.

“Oh Howdy Stan!” He turned around cheerfully. Stan was kind of a phoney friend… sometimes he had genuine feelings but mostly he was just looking to save his own ass. But, its always been like that. Butters would be sad if he stopped acting like that.

The look on Stan’s face whenever Butters talks makes him feel kind of childish. He was younger then all the boys anyway.

“You do the homework?” he asked in a more hushed tone.

Butters looked over to Kyle and furrowed his eyebrows a bit in confusion. Stan always asked Kyle to copy the homework from him because he was one of the smarter kids in the class…

But something seemed to be up his ass today. Again, nothing ever seems to be new.

“It’s due Friday, cant ya do it tonight? I-I can come over and help if ya if you-”

“No!.. no thats fine Butters just give me your paper I’ll give it back to you tomorrow once I copy it or something.” Stan said quickly.

Butters heart kind of dropped in his chest when he realized he tried to invite himself into Stan’s house. That was real rude of him to try and do. He just... really didn't want to go home today. It was making him anxious though he was **forcing** himself to temporarily forget why. He was pulled from his little pity party as the teacher began his lesson, his attention immediately falling back on Stan.

“A-Alright then!” He said, pulling the paper from his disheveled notebook and sliding it secretly into Stan’s folder. Even though he didn't say thanks, Butters smiled because he knew he was grateful.

The teacher droned on and on until the bell was 5 minutes from ringing and he couldn't be bothered with speaking anymore. Butters rolled his hands against the strings of his bag and set it down on his desk with a little huff. He was kind of sad that Kenny and Cartman were absent today in the long run because Butters didn’t much like Stan, and Kyle didn't much care for Butters. Sure, he dealt with him and stuck up for him when it was just but Kyle didn't really want to identify with him without the rest of the gang so he left them alone.

“Butters.” Someone called from the hallway and he was quick to look around. Who was…?

“Butters, you fucking asshole.” Another voice, a more recognizable one this time just outside the hallway door. He saw the hand fanning, urging him to go into the hallway so he did. He followed Cartman’s rule like it was law. That was just always how they were.

He wiggled and adjusted his jacket before zipping his way out into the hallway to meet his two absent friends. Before he could even speak Kenny grabbed his hand and they head off for the main doors out.

“G-Guys what the--”

“Shut the fuck up, We gotta ask you something.”

 

**

 

He was somewhat nervous with every step, afraid of the worst as he always was. Like, what if Cartman found a dead body… or Kenny had robbed a bank or something…

Out of either he thought a dead body would be kind of cool if it wasn't old enough to smell or nothing.

He wondered if that dead body was his and he was just a ghost floating around the earth confused and for a minute that seemed more like reality than the life he was living. He couldn’t help but scrunch his nose at his own… deep poetic thoughts. Stupid.

His eyes followed the snowy grass as they ran out of school territory and the crunchy steps of the frozen grass turned into slowing footsteps on an empty road, past the gate and gatekeeper and slower until they hit the corner to take a breath.

When Kenny realized the Butters was still holding onto his hand he shook him off somewhat suddenly. Ouch.

“Whats going on guys I got gym next period…” Butters said breathlessly.

“No you don't understand you have got to see this. Kenny has a load of pot he found out in the back of his empty guest house and we need some of your ritalin to--” Cartman began but Butters swiftly cut him off.

“No no no no no! I don't condone drug use,Cartman! I-I..”

“Pot’s not a drug dumb ass! It’s a plant.”

Kenny rolled his eyes at Cartman and went to shove his hands deep into the pockets of his parka.

“I-I can't give you my medications they were PERSCRIPTED for me.”

“Its PRESCRIBED you fucking dumb ass. And you ARE or else I’m going to have Kenny hold you down and spit on you until you do.”

“You can have some of our shit if we can have some of yours.” Kenny offered, the face-warmer to his heavy winter jacket unzipped regardless of the cold. It was rare to see Kenny’s mouth curled into a devious smile like that and Butters was kind of alarmed by his already slow slurred speech.

“Yeah you can-- Wait what the fuck no Kenny..” Cartman whined but the look Kenny shot him shut him up. “...Fine you can have some.”

Butters never smoked anything in his life, except a cigarette that one time out in the back of the school with Kenny. He thought it would de-stress him but it just gave him a huge asthma attack and a belly ache…

“Listen, you give up like 3 pills and I can let you hit my bowl or something…” Kenny said, and it was obvious from his tainted blue eyes that he was already smoking a bit before they came to get him.

“I-I don't know what that is… I-I dunno…” Butters was kind of stuck in the mindset that if he did this and it killed him he would probably be okay with dying with his friends. It would be embarrassing but it would be better then the alternative. “I-Is it safe? Will we be in a uh… c-controlled environment?”

This time Cartman AND Kenny rolled their eyes at him.

“We’re gonna smoke up in Kevin’s room.” Kenny said with a cheeky wink. “So I don't get busted.”

“Smoke... UP?...” Butters said softly and was hit with a swift smack to the back of his head from his friends chubby fingers. He would have seriously gotten into a panic if he hadn't heard Cartman's echoing laugh immediately after.

“If I told you I would keep you safe would you do it with us?” Kenny asked, and the sincerity in his voice made Butters melt a little bit. Kenny was really kind and understanding and to some degree Butters felt safe with him. He really SHOULDN'T in retrospect considering all the trouble they got him in in the past... but why the hell not. What did he have left to lose?

“...Yeah.” He said with a shy smile, keeping his eyes on Kenny’s. They were the only familiar thing about him that he knew.

“Fucking finally okay heres the plan. Kenny go get Ritalin from Butters house, I’ll get the snacks and we’ll meet at your place in…”

“An hour.” Kenny butt in, smirking. “Kevin goes to work at 12… We’ll head over in an hour.”

 

**

 

Butters was nervous to head over to his house during the day. He wasn't too sure when or if his dad was going to work so the ache in his rib cage started to really bother him. Maybe it was his hyper fixating on it after being distracted all day but he REALLY felt like Voldemort was watching him...

What if he stayed home from work after last night? He couldn't stop the hypothetical. Kenny must have noticed the way he was nurturing his side and immediately slowed his pace, matching his steps with Butters to keep him from hurting.

Though he appreciated the effort but the bruise itself wasn't the problem. He would never tell Kenny that. He would never see the bruise. No circumstances warranted him taking off his clothes now so he should be relieved.

But he wasn't. He felt extreme GUILT.

“You get beat up or somethin’ at school? Yer walking funny.” Kenny said in a slow drawl, looking over at him with his hood starting to slip off his head. It made Butters feel really weird about seeing Kenny's entire face for some reason so he smiled and reached up to fix it and tuck his ears in safe, only seeing a bit of his bangs and keeping the mouth part unzipped.

“I-I’m okay. Got a little roughed up in gym class.. y'know.” He lied, knowing full well Kenny was probably too smacked to remember that he left before his gym period.

“Shits fuckin’ rough… You think that dodge ball in elementary school was rough? Broke my nose like twice this year.” He ranted and Butters almost sighed in relief when the attention was taken off of him. Kenny was still matching his footsteps and he wondered if there was still a reason for that. Personally he didn't mind. The closeness was enough to assure him that Kenny was alive. He has always been breathing and when he stops he starts again like nothing ever happened. There is a heart in his chest and emotion in his every step.

Butters found solace in his existence…

“I t-think I got hurt more in elementary then anythin’...” He said shyly, moving to rub the light scar that crossed his left eye. When Kenny noticed what he was talking about he apologized for the millionth time since it happened. 

"Are you ever going to let that go?"

It was way more fun to keep teasing him about it then it was to just let it go. It was brutal… but the scar made Butters look cool… kind of...

The walk to Butters house was slow and agonizing but in some way it was kind of fun. They enjoyed small talk, gabbed about the past and Butters laughed along with Kenny’s attitude when he was high. He enjoyed being with him, it was just what he might have needed.

“H-Hey Ken. When you get all high.. do you tell secrets and stuff like when yer drunk?.. O-Or is it all different and jumbly…” he said, pulling at the bottom of his light blue jacket as they walked. His other hand was occupied comfortably so he settled with fidgeting in other ways.

“Not really… why? You hidin’ something from your good friend Kenny?” He asked, putting his free hand to his chest in joking offense.

Butters felt queazy.

“N-no of course not! I was just thinkin' I don't wanna tell Cartman nothin’ he can bully me for…” He said quickly, too quickly, and he wanted to fucking punch himself in the face. “I-I mean..”

“I feel you... he’s a dick.” Kenny said, easing him slightly. Though, he noticed a little anxiety in Butters responses and walked closer to him. “I was kind of afraid he was gonna steal all my food… Between you and me…” He leaned in a little closer, smelling thinly of weed and cheap cologne. “It’s really funny watching him stuff his fat fucking face when he gets high…” He couldn't get the last part of his sentence out without hysterically laughing himself. Butters covered his mouth when he laughed self consciously and took a slow breath.

“Oh he’s really that bad?”

“Not fucking playing around with you. It’s almost more entertaining then you would think…”

Butters smiled and tried to imagine it but he couldn't. He was almost excited to see it. “He kind of just gets high, sits on the couch and eats until he falls asleep or sobers out… and when he falls asleep he snores like a dumb ass… I have to turn up the music to drown his ass out…”

Butters hadn't found himself genuinely laughing like this in a while, even snorting and wheezing a bit like he usually did when he got really happy. Talking to Kenny made him forget a lot… and it was weird because if it wasn't for today they probably would have never talked for this long.

“..What kind of music do you like to listen to?” Butters asked in a little wheeze. Kenny seemed kind of confused by the question but nodded it off.

“Like… Everything. I like to listen to Modest Mouse when I’m really high… Asia when I’m that usual everyday Kenny high… Older stuff…” He said softly, kicking around a rock on the ground. “ 'Fleetwood mac'…” he murmured, probably hoping Butters did’t catch it.

“Really?” Butters asked, yanking at Kenny's sleeve to tease him. “I love Stevie Nicks… B-but that's probably the only thing we got in common.. I’ve never listened to that first band….”

Kenny smiled and even blushed a little bit. “Whats your favorite song?”

Butters thought for a minute, no one had ever asked him anything about himself before.

“My favorite song? I dont have a darn clue! Probably 'Rhiannon' or… 'Dreams'… B-But 'Leather and Lace' is the nicest song ever, Ken.. J-just byy… uh Stevie Nicks and Don Henley..”

“Who doesnt like 'Rhiannon'??… I’ve never heard that last one though.” Kenny said softly, trying to memorize the name to look up later.

“Oh well it’s a love song.. I-I think so its probably not something you’d be into…” Butters said shyly. “It’s all gooey and it makes me feel nice… I wanna get married to that song.”

Kenny looked down at him with a smile, admiring that little lovestruck smile on his face. “I wanna walk down the aisle to 'Pour Some Sugar on me' by Def Leppard…”

Butters bust out laughing and even found himself out of breath imagining Kenny doing that. It wasn't even that funny but imagining Kenny getting married was enough to make him laugh.

When they got to Butters house he saw both of the cars gone, but still his belly was flipping. He wasn't as scared as he was before but the fear of his father coming home was enough.

He walked up to the front door and unlocked it with the key in his pocket, making a mad dash for the cabinet and shaking as he picked at the medicine cabinet lock. Sometimes he would jack himself up with sleeping pills before bed so he could sleep through the night, so picking the lock wasn't the problem… it was his anxiety of being in the empty house.

Kenny walked in slowly and shut the door behind him, curiously looking around. He had been in Butters house before and it was really homey. It was warm and curious with bright green colors… He dragged his fingertips along the couch and noticed a small bit of blood on it. Not thinking much of it he traced his thumb around it and slowly walked to the stairs.

“Where’s your room?..” Kenny asked, one foot on the stairwell as Butters popped open the cabinet.

“Hm?” He called, grabbing the bottle of Ritalin and pouring out a few into his hand.

“ **Where’s your room?** ” He yelled a bit louder, slowly walking up the steps and towards the second floor.

“You shouldn't go up there Kenny… Ken?.” He called, jumping down from relocking the cabinet and putting the pills in an empty unlabeled bottle in his pocket. He didn't want Kenny in his room before he cleaned it out… How embarrassing… But it seemed before he could catch him he was already walking in and Butters had to Cartman him up the stairs.

“W-Wait a second…”

“Woah…” Kenny said in awe, looking around at his little collection of knick knacks… drawings and other little things. He picked up the dripping ice pack from Butters bed and set it back down where it was. It was really dark in there and there were cereal bowls all over the counters because when he was grounded he wasn't really allowed to eat with the family.

Butters felt sick having someone in there like this.

“Kenny lets leave.”

“No, lets chill in here for a second...You look super tense AND You have a huge window… You wanna smoke some while we wait to head to my place?...” he asked, looking around the room and finding an empty water bottle. “This’ll do for a quick bowl… got any tinfoil?...”

Butters wasn't too sure what was happening but being in this room was making his body really hot. 

“K-Ken we can't smoke in my room…” he said breathlessly. “C-Can we go in the back yard… can we just get out of my room….”

“...You got any tinfoil?..”

Butters smiled slightly, pulling Kenny out of the room by his hand. “Yeah..”

 

**

 

Sitting out back baking with Kenny was one of the more enjoyable things Butters thinks the world has to offer to him. It was calming… and he didn't cough nearly as much as he did with a cigarette. The taste was nicer too… he was sleepy but not at the same time… it was incredible.

He knew why Kenny liked getting high every day now, and he didn't think he thought it was bad to smoke anymore. It wasn't something he’d do every day… but with Kenny he might consider it.

“You good?” Kenny asked. Butters nodded back slowly.

“Really good.”

“Thats good…”

“Really good.” Butters laughed, moving to brush his fingers against Kenny’s arm. He didn't know when Kenny took off his hood but it was surprising to see him like that outside. His hair was a dark dirty blonde, a little greasy and for some reason Butters wanted to rub his fingers through it anyway.

“You think people actually start doing bad drugs because of weed…?” Butters asked softly, watching as Kenny moved himself and leaned his tall lanky body on Butters. “Like Heroin and all that stuff…”

“Sometimes… but weed feels better then a lot of stuff… Like I’ve tried cocaine once and it was really dangerous… that shit can kill you… you gotta promise me you won't ever do dumb shit like that.”

“I promise.”

“Promise me you’ll never drink neither… okay?”

“I promise.”

“Good.”

Kenny slightly shifted in the grass and slowly closed his eyes to think, reaching to grab a gentle hold of Butters’ hand. He wasn't expecting him to do something like that but he let it happen, his lip quivering a bit. No one had ever been so gentle and caring to him before and he was starting to mistake his kindness for something more. Not like it would be the first of last time his brain tricked him into thinking that anything would ever come of something like this. With Kenny.

“Kenny?” He asked quietly, moving to lay his head on his shoulder. “Do you ever think about running away…?” The blonde boys eyes opened and fluttered to look at him.

“Every single day. I hate this town…. but I love the people here in a dumb harmful sort of way… I’m guessing you do too?” He asked. Butters felt him shift and felt the blonde tips of his hair brush against his cheek.

“I guess. Its just hard to get over feeling... alone.”

Kenny cocked his head lightly. “Alone? Nobody is ever really alone.”

Butters quieted himself down, brushing his fingers against the warm skin of his hand and nodding. He’s always been alone. He paused his conversation to rub his eyes and take a deep breath to keep himself from having a total breakdown. Damn, why was he so emotional all of a sudden?

“We all feel alone.” Kenny added, lightly clearing his throat. “Everyone searches for physical company because it’s easier than being alone. But we’re never really alone in escense. All our feelings connect to someone else’s, and your decisions are based on everyone else’s. You can't ever be alone. As long as I know your name you aren't alone…” He said softly, brushing his thumb along the base of Butters hand. “I’m not telling you not to run away, because that won't stop you if you’re really serious about it. I just would kind of miss you. And you wouldn't be alone because I’d be worried. You know?..” He said, but he wasn't sure he was making much sense to begin with. Butters wasn't quite sure what he was saying until he said how he would miss him. It hit kind of hard, but not hard enough to change that fact that if push came to shove he would run away.

He would just ask Kenny to go with him.

“....We could get away from here n’ … go to Hawaii.. we could live there…” He said desperately, clutching Kenny’s hand for dear life. “We can go together then… and we can do cool things like surf and drink pretty coconut flavored things…”

Kenny sighed. and let go of his hand, moving to pull Butters shoulders up close to him in a half embrace.

“You can run away from a place but you cant run away from your problems. No matter where you go they will still be right here… in you. You can't not be you… Whatever is going on… whatever is happening you need to figure out how to deal with it eventually, even if you need to get help to do that. There's no shame in that.” He said, gripping his face and gently brushing his fingers against his cheek. “Look at me. You’re listening right?”

Butters nodded, tears streaming down his cheeks and his bottom lip sticking out in a cute childish way. He cried like a baby…

“Promise me you’ll help yourself or get help if you need it.”

“I promise...”

"Dude."

"I promise, Ken."

 

Butters wasn't used to making empty promises to it ate away at him from the inside as he nuzzled into Kenny’s warm chest. If this was the situation that brought them close finally he knew Kenny wouldn’t be prepared for the friendship that came with it. He also knew that no matter what he was going to hold onto the hope that something would change before he had to change it. It's not as easy as all the TV shows make it seem.

He didnt want to tell people what was going on… He didn't want to worry anyone. He was alive and that's what should matter.

He promised himself if everything got worse he would tell someone what was happening.

He just didn't know if it was the kind of promise he made to make himself feel better.

 

**

 

 

The night he spend getting high and eating with Cartman and Kenny was one of the best he’s had. Even after having that mental breakdown in Kenny’s arms in the back yard. He wasn't making fun of him or calling him a pussy or nothing like that. It was just good old fun… the kind of teasing Cartman is notorious for and the happy smiling face of Kenny with one tooth chipped and half missing. Kenny.

He blushed to himself when he thought about how wonderful the night was. Kenny stayed close to him the entire time to make sure he was okay and happy and not paranoid at all. Butters wouldn't mind doing that every night… if Kenny asked.

At some point in the night Butters must have given Kenny his phone number because he woke up to a bunch of really funny pictures of Cartman being drawn on and pictures of himself laughing and smiling with Cartman’s bowl in his mouth. The pictures were fun and it was a fond memory that they shared for the first time… These were the first pictures he had with Kenny.

But he couldn't save them to his phone. His parents would check eventually and he would be in so much trouble for having them.

 

Sent: 6:13 AM (To: Ken)

_Send thm 2 my email?_

Received: 6:13 AM

 

No response. He hoped Kenny saved them.

It was the first time in a while Butters got up and his dad was still in the kitchen, making a large breakfast so early. He hadn't really spoken to or seen his dad since he hit and bruised him a few nights ago so he walked on eggshells around him to put some pop tarts in the toaster. He was even sure to clean up all his crumbs and put the box back into the meticulously organized pantry as to not have a repeat of a couple arguments ago.

“G’morning Butters.” He said cheerily, and it was one of those rare times that his dad actually acknowledged his existence without Butters having to sob out a long apology for being ‘uncontrollable.’.

“...Mornin’ Dad…” He said quietly, a little worried.

“I made ya a nice breakfast…” He said quite proudly, sliding a huge plate of eggs, sausage and bacon on Butters’s designated plate. Part of him thought his dad might have noticed him come home buzzed last night and he was preparing something awful.  But then he said it. “Can I see where I hit you the other night, bud?...”

Butters was completely thrown off and suddenly the smell of his favorite foods were making him so anxious he wanted to put his fingers down his throat and pretend he didn't exist.

“W-Why would you wanna see that, dad?..”

“Oh, just wanna make sure I didn't hurt you too bad… you know how i get when I’m mad…” He said, walking over to Butters. “Is it bruised?”

“Yes sir…” Butters tensed his shoulders in preparation for his dads heavy hand.

“Have you been icing it?” He asked, lifting up his shirt and letting out a sigh of relief to see that the bruise was starting to get a little more skin colored in the middle as well as around parts of the perimeter. Only because Butters had combed the hell out of it the other night but still… his dad didn't know that.

“Yes sir…”

“That’s my good son.” He said with a little smile, moving to put his shirt down and tussle his hair. “You’re a good boy… Are you coming home for dinner tonight? I was thinking Chili’s…” He started off towards the counter and Butters huffed a bit.

“Well gee that sounds swell dad but I have a s-school project I gotta get done… Promise we’ll go tomorrow?” He said softly. He had been planning on cutting school again with Kenny and Cartman anyway… eventually his dad would find out but right now he couldn't let himself care. He was having such a good time with the boys he didn't want to ditch them after he said he would go. 

He thought his dad was gonna wail off and hit him for his response but he didn't, turning around with the most horrifyingly genuine smile he could muster. “Gives me more time to work up the idea to your mother. Now go on and eat up…” he said with a slight stern tone in his voice. Butters wouldn't dare say he wasn't hungry.

He sat down and started to gracefully eat under his father's watch, eyeing him and smiling falsely at him as he watched him eat. The guilt that was settling just from the undertones of the meal made Butters want to vomit it up the second he left his sight. At least Kenny should be coming to pick him up in his car in just a few minutes so he didn't have to worry about his dad attempting to give him a ride.

“This is amazing, dad.” He beamed with a little grin. "Thank you."

“I’m glad you think so… Um.. so..” He began, moving to sit a little close to him. “So we can put this whole… bruised chest and such to rest right? Behind us…”

Butters almost swore he might slip him over a 20 but that would be a blatant bribe. He just looked at him with these weird hopeful eyes..

“Uh… yeah dad… s’fine…” He said with his mouth full of eggs.

 

Received: 6:35 AM **(Ken)**

Outside. Need your email.. Hurry. W/ Stan and kyle 2 ;)

Respond?

 

Butters furrowed his eyebrows slightly and bit his lip. He didn't think Stan and Kyle were coming today… He really just wanted to sit with Kenny and just stone his problems away. He supposed it couldn't be that bad if Kyle was in a particularly good mood.

“My rides here dad.” He said, quickly cleaning up his plate and leaning to press a kiss to his cheek.

“Have a good day at school, bud….”

 

**

 

Butters felt really good. Really REALLY good. He had both hands busy working the bowl and Kenny’s arm around his shoulders. They were all huddled together in the center of Kevin's room just like the kind of stuff you see in the movies… Butters wasn't sure those kind of moments existed until now as he passed the bowl to Kyle, smiling briefly as he exhaled the smoke. Everyone got along. It seemed too rare to be real life.

The only exception was Stan… Stan was the most paranoid of the group. He kept whining and complaining and at some point it was a give in that Kyle was going to get annoyed and take his tainted ass back home.

“I thought Butters would be the one to freak the fuck out… not Stan… Stan the stallion…” Kenny laughed, brushing his fingers through his hair and smelling it every once and a while at seemingly nothing.

“Stan’s a fucking puss…” Cartman grumbled, his hand digging around in a large bag of cheese puffs.

Butters didn't say anything. He didn't really like to talk much when he was high… He just enjoyed it along with the assumption that if he did open his mouth he would say some stupid shit. His eyes were half closed and hazy, his body starting to feel a little warm he refused his next hit.

He wished that getting high and cutting school with Kenny could be an everyday thing… He wished that somehow if he wished hard enough he could avoid everything and never have to do anything that required effort and failure ever again. He wanted to ignore his shit life forever, and with Kenny it all seemed possible.

As bad an influence as he was… it just made Butters more and more attracted to him.

 

Received 1:15PM (Kyle)

Went home with S… His dads cool tho, feel free 2 come hang here. Tell guys.

Reply?

 

Butters looked down at his phone and gave it to Kenny, who just slightly shook his head. “Stan’s dads a nark... “ Kenny whispered, moving to kiss Butters head. “Kyle’s gonna get fucking busted dude… Him and Stan's Dad hang out ALL the time.”

Butters laughed and blew a bit of air out of his nose, shifting himself to look up at Kenny a bit better. He was so good looking, as weird as it was to see the curve of his lips against the glass he couldn't help but admire it.

Though it was the first time Butters wanted to press his mouth sloppily against it… He wanted to taste the weed on him, and even get a little blood on his face from the nosebleed Kenny got from snorting the Ritalin he had given him beforehand. He chuckled. He hoped stealing Ritalin from the cabinet for Kenny wouldn't become a common occurrence.

Kenny was looking down at him with that stoned smile he liked, blowing a little bit of smoke out his nose to try and make him laugh.

“Could you two stop being gay for 3 seconds and hand me the fucking bowl.” Cartman growled.

“You got some fucking high tolerance you're burning out my stash… You know this shit ain't gonna last for ever if your dumb ass is gonna be here every single day.” Kenny laughed, patting his pocket. “M’ gonna save the rest for me and my _boyfriend_ over here if you don't cut tha shit.” He said teasingly.

“Suck my ass.” Cartman smirked, throwing a few cheese puffs at Kenny. Butters burned red. He knew it was a joke but if it came down to it he might not actually mind of Kenny decided to call him his boyfriend. Just to add insult to injury Butters stuck his tongue out at their crumb covered friend, smiling the whole time.

“The fuck you stickin’ your tongue out for fagboy?” Cartman pouted, groggily taking a smaller hit and coughing it out. “shit..”

Before Butters could think of anything witty and funny to say (lets face it, he wasn't going to) his phone buzzed off again.

 

Received 1:19PM (Dad)

Got a call from the school. Attendance policy. Be home when I get home.

Reply?

 

Butters immediately shot up and held his hand over his mouth to try and stop himself from vomiting all over Kenny;. This was the fucking END. Well, it might not actually be the end of ALL things but this very well could be the end of THIS. Being able to be friends with the guys… having fun… being genuinely bearable to be around for the first time in his life. “Oh my god oh my god oh my god…” He whimpered. Cartman gave him a look but the way he was acting made Kenny visually uncomfortable. “I-I’m so fuckin’ dead oh my god…”

“Dude… Dude… Whats wrong?” He asked, trying to pull Butters back for physical reassurance but Butters just wasn't having it. He had to get up he had to leave. He needed to get out of here somehow… “Butters don't freak… what’s wrong are you paranoid or somethin’…?” Kenny asked, reaching up to grab his wrist.

“My dad is going to fucking kill me for real…” He sobbed out, yanking his wrist from Kenny’s grip and bending over, shaking so violently he felt like he was going to die. “I gotta go home… I gotta tell him I’m sorry… I cant… I can't go home..” He panted, hyperventilating so hard he thought he was going to vomit, drool running down his chin. This was disgusting,... he couldn't believe this was fucking happening...

“Calm the fuck down.” Cartman screamed, looking around the room. “You… you weren't with us. You didn't get any pot from us!”

“Cartman!” Kenny screamed. “Not fucking helping!!” He moved to quickly twist back around and start rubbing his back. “Butters look at me.. You’re gonna be okay… You won't get in that much trouble… he wont know you're high if you just kind of chill… your eyes don't even get that red and even if they did I got eyedrops--”

“You don't understand Ken…” He turned around, his face hot and red. “He’s going to kill me for REAL… He’s gonna… oh my god…”

Kenny wasn't sure why he was freaking out like this but he had to do all he could to calm him down, taking his hands and starting to lead him outside. He was cooing the most gentle words into his ears and holding him close. He just wanted him to feel better..

But Butters was beyond saving. He always knew he was. How could he ever think it was alright to have fun like this… He was fucked… His dad was going to bruise him up bad tonight and he couldn't breathe. Maybe that was a good thing… maybe he if passed out and went to the hospital he could get away with this, or die. Honestly either or would get him out of the extreme trouble he was about to be in. God why did his head always push to such morbid lengths? He felt like some kind of new age depression novel character that was just sad for the sake of being fucking SAD. He didnt want to be this person but somehow he was again and again and he didnt know what to do to fix or stop any of it.

“...Fuck him… he isn't shit he doesnt matter. What's the worst he can do… you're grounded like you usually are?… I’ll still sneak out and smoke you up to keep you calm when your dad goes to sleep…”

“That's not how this works that's not how any of this works… Kenny I can't go home….”

“...If its that bad then stay here until he calms down.” He said sternly, wrapping his arms around him. “If you're that scared you don't have to leave.”

Briefly he wondered if that was a good idea. If it was a good idea to stay at Kenny’s house and wait for his dads wrath… Maybe he could tell Kenny’s mom and she could..

No… no he couldn't do that. He couldn't do that to Kenny's mom… He would never see her again. His dad would completely ruin and mess up every single good thing in his life if he told. He wouldn't have a home, a life, and he would have to move far away from his friends. From Kenny. Kenny.

He quickly jumped and wrapped his arms entirely around Kenny’s shoulders, jumping up to catch and bring him down to his level. He couldn't lose ANYBODY. If that meant getting a few beatings he deserved it. He fucked up. It was his fault. He was going to ruin everything for himself by being stupid and freaking out like that.

He started taking deep breaths when he noticed the way Kenny was rubbing his lower back. He cooed little whispers and encouragements against him and for a moment he felt kind of numb…

“You can stay at my place if thats cool… You know my mom doesn't really give a fuck…”

“I cant... I'm okay I swear, I just..” he waved his hands around and let Kenny go, even letting out a little chuckle to try and convince Kenny he was fine. "I think I'm just too high."

“Well… you have me all afraid to let you go home now… you cant scare me like that and then suddenly say it's okay..”

His eyes teared up furiously again but he choked back down the emotion. He wasn't going to lose Kenny and he wasn't going to give up this life. If he had to hurt… he’d hurt to keep what he wanted. “I-I’m gonna be okay… I’ll just lie and say… say that I cut school because I threw up… T-Take me home Ken?...” He asked, but kept himself desperately buried against his chest.

“You got it.. I got you.”

 

**

 

Butters was so happy he had come down by the time his dad came in slamming the door. Kenny was still there when his dad was home for somewhat assurance that he would be okay.. He was in bed fake ‘sick’ and with a garbage can full of tissues.

He didn't even need to fake the white color in his face when his dad slammed open the bedroom door. He was sure even Kenny almost fucking passed out from the sheer force of his foot.

“WHAT-- Oh.. Oh Who’s this Butters?..” He began with a scream but slowly faded down to a stern warning voice, causing Butters to literally sit in and hover over the garbage can. He always felt like throwing up like this when his dad was angry… now was the perfect time for it.

“Kenny.” Kenny said rather professionally, moving to take a firm hold of his fathers had and shook it harshly to try and intimidate him. Butters could feel Kenny was sober and behaving appropriately by the way his dad smirked. “Butters threw up all over my shoes first period… so I took him home and helped him out… He’s pretty sick.. I think he left his phone in his locker at school.” He said quickly, looking his dad up and down. It was obvious he was really intimidated by him.

“Well, Butters knows better then to come home without alerting me that he is.” His dad said sternly again. He went to talk but Kenny cut him off.

“That was my fault. He kept murmuring that he had to call ya but his fever was bad and I was worried about him mumbling… he was gonna call when the fever went down but I don't know if he’s all there yet.”

Butters looked down at the covers and blushed furiously. Kenny was really putting himself on the line for him and it wasn't fair. They were barely friends…

“I’m real sorry, D-Dad…” Butters murmured, full of tears, and when he saw the face his dad made at him he knew he might have gotten away with all of this… And it was all thanks to Kenny.  God fucking bless the boy… but god Kenny was getting suspicious of this behavior and he could see that by the look on his dads face…

Maybe it was nothing….

“Next time just call.” His dad said, crossing his arms. He wasn't THAT mad… if anything Butters would get a sip of sympathy out of him…

“Sorry, sir”

“Sorry, Dad.” He coughed out, and unsurely his dad decided to leave the room.

He had memorized the footsteps and even the number of stairs it took his father to get down, counting until he was downstairs before he started to lightly laugh, sobbing along with that. He wasn't sure of his emotions right now but his body hurt… he hurt so fucking much…

Kenny on the other hand hissed a soft ‘yes’, walking over to the bed and plopping his giant lanky body on Butters. “We did it… We… Dude dude don't cry…” he laughed, crawling up to his face and pressing the sleeves of his dirty parka to each of his eyes to collect the tears. “Sh..”

“Thank you s-so  much…” Butters choked out, reaching up and wrapping his arms so tight around Kenny his hands went numb. “Oh my god I would have gotten sucha whoopin if you hadn't a’ saved me..” He panted, running his fingers frantically through his hair as he held him. Something snapped inside of Kenny, and even though his fears were not confirmed exactly he still gripped him tighter.

“I’m glad I helped.” He pulled away lightly and looked down at the tears streaming down Butters’ cheeks, brushing those pesky tears away with his thumb. “You’re fine dude come on… stop cryin' now…”

Butters chuckled a bit through his tears and closed his eyes. “M’sorry… I-I'm okay I swear… Pinky swear..” He said. He sat up a bit to kiss the palm of his own hand, curling all his fingers down to hold the promise close before sticking his pinky finger out. “I-I’ma be okay tonight.”

Kenny was hesitant. Of course he was after the way he reacted to his father left the room… but that smile… He felt like it might be more genuine more.

Kenny hooked his pinky on Butters and pressed a hard kiss to his knuckles to lock in the promise.

That was the first serious promise Butters ever made.

 


	2. Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Have you ever had a girlfriend?” Kenny asked, putting both hands behind his head as he made himself at home in Butters warm unmade bed.
> 
> “I was with Charlotte for like 8 months, Kenny.” He responded, futzing with Kenny’s shirt before he slowly put it on and laid above the blankets next to him. He felt like he should have asked permission before he put it on but he practically GAVE it to him... and he DID bleed all over the shirt he was previously wearing “Don’t you remember?”
> 
> “Oh yeah.. That Canadian girl. She was cute.” He paused, looking over at him. “When you guys were together, how did you know you like, actually wanted to be with her?” He asked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I was reading over the second part of this that I wrote and decided to rewrite a lot of it and split it into a couple different chapters instead of just two parts. Which means the chapters will be about half the size but it will be more evenly paced that way!! I absolutely love the way this was going and am REALLY excited to be working on it. Expect Great Things my friends! 
> 
> If you like it, shoot me a comment! If you don't, Gimme some feedback! I'd love to hear thoughts, and I'm actively searching for a proof reader and someone to spitball ideas with if anyone is interesting in catching THIS FRIENDSHIP! 
> 
> Thank you for taking the time to read this and I hope you enjoy!

Butters looked around his bedroom, his head clearly fogged. 

He wasn’t sure if it was the stale air in his bedroom or the fact that he was clenching his jaw so hard in his sleep that he woke up with tension but it almost made his second guess if he was awake or not. Things were pretty fuzzy. The moonlight pouring through the singular crack his fluttering curtains and his… half asleep state made the room look smokey. It was… peaceful? Quiet. 

He couldn't help but think of the events of the past day. Well, not the BAD parts but the parts that had his heart on cloud nine. Sitting with Kenny… being able to smile and laugh and look at his face. He had these eyes that could just fucking BREAK your heart just like the reputation the boy who owned them held. Cliche, but he would imagine what was the best comparison to his eye color. Like, the sky after a thunderstorm or the color of the water in Hawaii. It was stupid to say that it depended on the day but he swore some days they were more green and some days there was not a speck of color other then blue. And GOD... he had the warmest most genuine smile. The way his pink lips curled over...all Butters wanted was to kiss it off his face. It was quite often Butters had crushes on boys but it wasn’t nearly as often he genuinely sat with his headphones in and listened to music to compare it to his feelings FOR somebody. Not like he did with Kenny. Kenny had quickly become the most important person in his life. If it was real, or circumstance, he barely wanted to be away from him. It might have possibly been an unhealthy situation to put himself in to depend so heavily on his romantic emotions for an escape but it was such a genuine feeling...

He settled back into the warmth of his bed and pressed his hand to his heart. What a fucked up thing love was. It smelled like stale cigarettes and off brand snacks and it drove Butters heart up a damn wall.

Forcing himself back into reality he was sure he could convince his dad to let him stay home from school tomorrow and just relax without having to worry. His dad would go to work first and his mom would pander until around 10 and finally leave the house to go where ever she happens to go during the day. He briefly believed she had gotten a job but she could possibly be.. Seeing someone else. Which, in itself doesn't sound like a BAD thing Butters just hoped to god she would take him with her when she finally left. He wondered if this guy liked kids… if maybe he would get a new little brother or sister or if maybe the GUY had kids already. He wanted to imagine what it would be like to see his mom smile for the first time in ages. Maybe she met him through the new church group she had been recommended though her... 'volunteering' at the woman's shelter. He felt like he hasn’t been able to sit down and talk to her about what’s been going on in such a long time. The road block between them obviously being his paranoid father. Butters put a lot of thought into his hypothetical before his mind quickly dropped it. That would be nice though, he thought. His life has the potential to be GOOD and that was comforting.

He figured he could sleep, shower, watch all of his TV shows that he missed since he had been grounded for the past 3 or 4 months. Why was he grounded he genuinely could not remember but he was at the age where whenever his dad happened to leave the house he would resume his life as normal. TV, computer, incognito google chrome, _porn_.

In the midst of his thoughts he heard his phone vibrate within the folds of his blankets, Butters lazily rolling around until it fell FACE first onto the wood floor. Oh, that’s just great.

He leaned down and grabbed it, dusting it off with his blankets and inspecting it for cracks. It was fine, and of course it was Kenny, so if the phone did crack it wouldn’t have made him all that mad. Not as mad as if Cartman had been texting him for some stupid shit… which was consistently. He didn’t fall for THAT as much as he used to in his younger years.

He just wondered why Kenny was up so late and in response to his own question his heart started to pound. The thought of Kenny disheveled in his bed… frustrated that he couldn't sleep only to roll over and text HIM out of all people. HIM. Did he think of him that much? God that seemed like a fucking stretch to think something like that. They had only gotten close in the past 4 days.

 

Received: 3:15AM

Can’t sleep.

Reply?

 

It took a minute for his eyes to focus on the message, almost immediately replying to it.

 

Sent: 3:16AM (To: Ken)

Any reason why? :(

Delivered 3:16AM

 

He settled in and turned the brightness down, yawning against his hand. He didn’t expect Kenny to respond as fast as he did so he started to scroll through his facebook feed. Stan and Kyle had been posting shit on each others wall like it was nobody's business… Buzzfeed… Dog smiling for a selfie...   
  


Received: 3:18AM

Can I call?

Reply?

 

He stared at his phone for a couple minutes before he texted him that he could, taking the initiative first and dialing his number. He must have come off so eager… He mentally kicked himself for that. Everything he had thought about beforehand about Kenny just flood back into his heart so suddenly he thought his asthma would act up when he answered.. How much he must trust him to call him at all. Butters absolutely hated talking on the phone but he would let Kenny hold him up on the phone for hours if he needed it.

“Why are you even awake?” Kenny asked, his voice over the phone had him in cardiac arrest holy shit.

“Woke up a half an hour ago… Don’t know why.” He said groggily, shifting down more into his blankets. “Saturns in retrograde... You?”

He heard the softest laugh turn into a sigh, silence ringing over the line for a minute.

“I don’t know. I tried to sleep but I got a lot on my mind. You think Saturn has anything to do with it?”

“Hmm… Probably..Penny for your thoughts?” Butters said quietly, running his hands through his hair.

“Sorry, that will cost your a dollar.” He laughed again. God the euphoria that drove through him with that fucking laugh. He was so damn cute he could barely contain his own embarrassing snort. 

“You ever just get caught up and you got this one thought on your mind… You keep thinking about it even when you try and think about something else? I try and think about like… fuckin’ and stuff because usually that will either give me something to do or it'll lul me to sleep like a fucking horny 15 year old but... sadness is a total boner killer.” 

Butters wasn’t sure whether to laugh or to admit he completely related to what he said. Instead he decided to deflect it from the sexual connotation.

“Turn your pillow over… All the bad thoughts and dreams into that side of your pillow… It works seriously.” Butters offered. “I’ll make you a dream catcher too. I know it is really supposed to be for bad dreams but I like to think it catches bad thoughts too… I mean, mines knotted to shit so I only figured.”

Butters paused with the silence on the line, his lips kind of quivering from anxiety. This time though it wasn't necessarily bad anxiety. It was ‘talking to your crush on the phone and making it overly obvious that you're in love with them’ anxiety. You would have thought it was almost impossible to feel this anxious but this GOOD at the same time. 

“That’s so depressing haha… I’ll have to take you up on the dream catcher though… Hey uh..” Kenny paused a second “Do you want to meet up or something?”

“You know I can’t.”

“Why not? We have school soon, bring over your bag and some clothes and we can get ready together.”

Butters sighed lowly.

“ _You know I can't._ ”

“Fuck your dad. He’s an asshole… I want to see you.”

Butters heart lurched out of his chest. He wanted to SO bad especially when Kenny expressed wanting to see him first… but it was too risky. After yesterday his dad was already suspicious he couldn't push his luck. He would go for it otherwise but seeing Kenny was shrouded in secrecy and dishonesty so he had to take it in DOSES... small RISKY doses.

“I want to see you too but I can’t… leave the house I’m going to get in trouble if he doesn't see me while he's having his morning coffee.”

Silence. God he felt like he was going to fuck everything up with Kenny because of his stupid fucking dad….

“Okay… Then I’ll come over. It’s easy enough to climb up the side of your house… I could park a block away, and i'll climb out when he wakes up and pull the car around like I’m picking you up for school. GOT IT. I’ll be on my way in a couple minutes.”

“Uh, Kenny n--” He disconnected the call before he could protest. Damn it… he had a feeling he wasn't going to take NO for an answer. He quickly got up and ran to his door, locking it as fast as he could and checking himself in the mirror. Haha, christ he looked like a half asleep mess. He flicked his eyes around to his hair only to notice the- OH fuck his room looked like a damn tornado hit it--   
He ran around his room collecting the garbage, shoving it all onto his desk and spraying it with cologne just incase it smelled. God this was so gross he couldn’t believe he lived like this.. He threw off his shirt and put on a cleaner one, deodorant. The whole shebang. He wasn't sure what there was to impress Kenny with after almost hysterical vomiting on his floor and crying on him just HOURS ago…. But he didn't want him to think he was a damsel in distress or that he was disgusting or anything…

Once he felt… somewhat presentable (besides his hair which he regretfully didn’t really have the time to fix)  he sat back down on his bed, pressing both hands over his eyes and rubbing until he saw colors explode behind his lids. Why did everything have to be so stressful… Not that it was Kenny’s fault because he was a breath of FRESH air in his life but even what it took to see him was stressful. All he was doing was defying his dad and drooling all over this guy who he didn't even KNOW would like him back. Eugh. Butters turned over and looked at the clock. 3:35am.

 

**

 

Around 10 minutes later he heard a little knock on his bedroom window, practically FLYING off his bed and over to the window to  non-verbally ‘sh’ at him through the glass before he opened it up. He looked down to see Kenny in his usual get up, the bags under his eyes blatantly obvious even in the pale light of the moon. “Come on-” He laughed, reaching himself down to grab Kenny by the forearms. He didn’t realize the blood dripping down the palm of Kenny's hand when he grabbed him and was met with a SHARP hiss. Kenny choked down the pain and helped pull himself up. Must have been harder then he thought... “Ah- ow ow..” Kenny said as he tiptoed into Butters room, ripping off his sweatshirt like it was on fire  and looking down at the gash in his arm. “It’s fine don't freak- The fucking nail hanging off your window just-” Butters panicked at how loud he was talking and ran over to clasp his hand over his mouth.

“I’m sorry I’m so sorry but shut UP..” He whined against him, his eyes flitting across the room. “Hold on don't move… let my grab my first aid kit..” He whispered, taking off his shirt and holding it against the gash on his arm. He had to take a deep breath.. He knew how to handle this. Butters exhaled shakily before he sprung into action, completely forgetting about the huge bruise on his side and his rampant body insecurities to take care of him.. “Here- one second- god-”

He noticed Kenny look down at the bruise on his chest, faintly thanking himself for lying to Kenny about what had happened to him the other day and grabbed the half full first aid kit from under his bed. It was so much different to talk about it and have him SEE it. He felt more vulnerable then he had in a long time, but the impending situation had snapped it out of his mind when he saw Kenny standing there bleeding into his nightshirt. “I’m so sorry.. Come here.” He smiled nervously at him to calm him. The boy was pale. Kenny had one hell of a pain tolerance he knew that for sure, but the amount of blood must have shocked him and he shivered a bit as he sat down next to Butters. “I uh- fucked up your shirt.” He whispered quietly into Butters ear as he peeled if off the wound with a pained noise.

Butters couldn’t help but chuckle against him, knocking his head lightly against Kenny’s. 

“It’s fine I panicked… let me see how bad it nicked ya…”

Very carefully Butters took his arm, opening up the wound a bit to see how deep it got him so he could gauge how much peroxide to dab on him. He never claimed to know how to properly take care of a wound but every time he did this it would heal generally well.... 

Compared to some of the wounds that he’s seen or gotten this wasnt nearly that bad. He wouldn't need stitches at least and that was good because a ride to the ER at almost 4 am wasn't on his agenda…

He traced his fingers over the several bouts of other scars littering Kenny’s forearm and frowned sadly as he started to put some neosporin in the cut. He wasn't about to ask about them. If Kenny wanted to tell him he knew he eventually would.

“Give it to me straight, Doc.” Kenny said, putting his hand on his forehead dramatically. “Am I going to live?”

Butters couldn't help but pause in his tracks, laughing into his hand. Once he controlled his laughter he put on a serious face and deepened his whisper. “I’m sorry, sir..” He placed the medication directly into the wound and started peeling off some of the wound closure bandages to stick on. “It doesn't look like we will be able to save the arm-”

Kenny winced as he put the medication on and Butters had to hold himself back from apologizing AGAIN. He was being such a good patient… and his body was so close to his he could barely stop his heart from thumping out of his chest.

“It’s alright. I trust you to cut it off quick…” Kenny whispered, resting his head on Butters. “You’re really gentle… thank you for cleaning me up…”

Butters heartbeat was practically radiating through the entirety of his body now… He felt like he was in a rom-com and he started to almost second guess his own reality. Kenny was in his house, at 3 am, in secret, lying on his shoulder as he did a shoddy job at cleaning up the gash in his arm… He smiled to himself and finished up with the wound closures, putting a pad on gauze on and wrapping it with a dingy looking ace bandage. “There we go.. Nice and sterilized, Let me get the hand saw…" He said in a serious tone, furrowing his eyebrows. "... I’m so fucking sorry that you got hurt I’ll hammer the nail in tomorrow so it doesn't happen again…”

Kenny smirked. “So you want me sneaking over to happen again after I was WOUNDED in action?”

“Stop talking so loud.” Butters said, flustered as he pushed his head of his shoulder. ”I said I was SORRY. Wasn't as easy as you thought huh?”  In reaction Kenny lightheartedly flipped him off and laid down on his bed, looking up at the cracks in his ceiling. For some reason Butters wasn’t entirely sure what to do. Sure, Kenny was here and it was comforting but they also had barely ever hung out alone before… let alone in Butters room in the middle of the night…sober.     

But just as he started to get concerned about the silence Kenny sat up and took off his shirt, giving it to Butters and crawling up under the blankets of his bed. "Can I ask you something?"

He wasn't sure how to take that, getting a little hot in fear of what he actually wanted to talk about.

"Go ahead."

“Have you ever had a girlfriend?” Kenny asked, putting both hands behind his head as he made himself at home in Butters unmade bed.

“I was with Charlotte for like 8 months, Kenny.” He responded, futzing with Kenny’s shirt before he slowly put it on and laid above the blankets next to him. He felt like he should have asked permission before he put it on but he practically GAVE it to him… and he DID bleed all over the shirt he was wearing previously. “Don’t you remember?”

“Oh yeah.. That Canadian girl. She was cute.” He paused, looking over at him. “When you guys were together, how did you know you like, actually wanted to be with her. Like for REAL” He asked.

Butters had to think about that for a minute, putting his hand over his mouth and furrowing his eyebrows. The pure monotony of this conversation was boring but honestly… it was also refreshing. He hadn’t sat down and just TALKED to someone about something totally in the ordinary in so long. It was always 'poor me' or Butters being a total yes-man to random shit.

“I dunno… I just kind of knew. Like she did this stupid thing where when she was doing her hair before a date she would re-part her hair like 8 times even though she knew she always parted it to the left.. And I didn't get annoyed no matter how late it made us… Or- when she used to-” he laughed to himself, his eyes sparkling a bit. “When she used to yell at me she would crinkle up her nose and I would never be able to take her seriously. It was like these little stupid things would just make me glad that I could be in her general space…” He started to futz with his hands as he spoke, just remembering her fondly. She really was like nobody else. He missed her to this day. “I think that we lose sight of how much we love someone until we lose them though. You don’t realize how big a part of you they become until they leave and we just take advantage of the small things we used to admire so much and it becomes convenience… It’s unrelated to what you asked but I think it kind of ties in. When something someone does never loses its sparkle you know. Like in those stupid shows where they have those love dream sequence slow-mo scenes- that kind of sparkle. Sometimes you can tell by the way they look at you.” He said quietly, watching Kenny’s eyes as he listened. He wondered if Kenny could see the way he looked back at him... if not he at least seemed like he was truly listening and nodding along with the things he was saying.  “I never actually sat and thought about it like I am now.. It’s just kind of something you gloss over while you’re with them. You get used to the feeling, feeling good, being completely and utterly alive with that person. It’s unlike anything. I swear, whenever I start to feel myself falling it feels the exact same, but so fucking different.”

“Y'know... you’re really wise.” Kenny yawned, chuckling to himself. “I’ve never thought about it all like that.”

“If you’re tired, you can sleep.” He whispered, covering Kenny’s exposed chest with his blankets as he settled into the comforter. “I don’t mind.”

“Don’t you want to know why I asked first?” Kenny whispered, but his eyes closed which told Butters just how tired he actually was.

“No… It's okay. Sleep.”

 

**

 

Butters morning alarm wasn’t so harshly welcomed this morning. The second it began to ring Butters woke up feeling.. Rejuvenated…but not just physically. He felt emotionally better than he had waking up in such a long time. It’s not like him and Kenny spent that much time together at all, or anything specific happened that made it some MAGICAL night… It seemed just being with him happened to take a couple pounds off his shoulders. The tension is his head had dissipated and his existence just felt... lighter. He never spent the night with someone like this. 

His eyes fluttered open and he noticed Kenny wasn’t in his bed. That was all good and fine, if he had snuck out a bit earlier. It would have hurt almost like a one night stand but upon further inspection he hadn’t. He rubbed his eyes and as they focused noticed Kenny getting dressed over by his closet. When he noticed he was looking at him he turned to him and gave him one of those thousand dollar smiles. “Good Morning, Sunshine.”

“Mmh- Mornin’... did I wake up late?”

Kenny chuckled and threw on one of Butters shirts before he tossed his sweater up on over it. “No, I woke up early so I can head out and get my car… I didn’t want to wake you up you were sleeping like a little angel. You talk in your sleep you know? Absolute nonsense.”

"Shut up" Butters sat himself up, Kenny’s shirt hanging off him a little bit as he swung his legs out of bed and walked over to press his ear against his door. Good… his dad wasn’t awake yet. He had high hopes to get away with being with Kenny for the third time.

“Y’know I’ve never snuck out for someone without intending on fucking them... you should be grateful.” Kenny said absentmindedly as he tied up his boots. Butters made a face and covered his mouth to stop himself from laughing to loud.

“You’re a fucking pig.” He spat back, turning away so he could let himself blush without being seen. “Don't plan on that happening any time soon..”

“Anytime soon? A man can dream- Anyway- I’ll go pull around my car okay? Be back in 10, Buttercup” He commented, moving towards the window and opening it as much as he could. He noticed Kenny checking to see if anyone was outside before he hoisted himself out and huffed as he landed down on the grass. It seemed like the second his footsteps faded off into the distance the light in the hallway went on just like it did every single morning. His dad had JUST woken up, and relief ran over him as THOSE footsteps went straight past his room towards the kitchen for the coffee pot. This was exhilarating. He cant believe how close they cut that one.

After spending a minute completely fawning over the warmth in his bed where Kenny was laying just a couple minutes ago he figured he should get dressed. Maybe he WOULD go to school today.

He quickly got himself up and threw on some sweats, keeping Kenny’s shirt on just because his dorky ass found it being the most comforting part of his wardrobe. Okay, shoes, socks, backpack, pack a sweater just in case they decided to blast the AC like they had the past couple weeks in his Computer Science class. CHECK. The positivity radiating through him cut all his insecurities. His hair was a MESS and his socks didn’t match… but today had the potential to be one of the best days he’s had in so long. Upon second evaluation of his look he decided to tuck Kenny's over sized shirt into his sweats and roll the bottoms halfway up his calf to make himself look a LITTLE more presentable. That sure was a _look_. The shirt was a little dirty but it smelt nice so he had no qualms. He hoped Kenny wasn't embarrassed he was wearing his clothes.

He quickly tossed his bag over his shoulder and checked himself out in the mirror one more time before he unlocked his door. If he was speedy enough he could just slide by his dad at the table and avoid the much dreaded morning interaction.  Without paying much attention he burst out of his room and into the hallway, accidentally slamming STRAIGHT into his father and spilling his piping hot coffee all over his perfectly pressed dress shirt. 

 

He could feel all of the color leave his face.


	3. Part Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “...So, which one was it?” Kenny asked as they settled into his room, kicking his shoes off against the door frame as he locked the door. His house always smelled like weed and moldy clothes but it wasn't the most unpleasant thing in the world. It just smelled like Kenny. It was pretty poorly lit and that aided his impending migraine too... “Falling down the stairs or hitting your head in the kitchen?”
> 
> Butters couldn't meet his gaze, rubbing the bruise on his arm and shrugging his shoulders. “Neither.”
> 
> “Do you want to talk about what actually happened?” Kenny asked but was just met with silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAnd the third chapter is up! I'm really excited for this one! I've been non-stop writing this and I hope that you guys have been enjoying it!
> 
> If you like it, shoot me a comment! If you don't, Gimme some feedback! I'd love to hear thoughts, and I'm still actively searching for a proof reader and someone to spitball ideas with if anyone is interesting in catching THIS FRIENDSHIP!
> 
> Thank you for taking the time to read this and I hope you enjoy the new chapter!

“GOD DAMMIT Butters!” He yelled, his voice roaring through the house. There were no words for the fear that threw through Butters. It was like he was walking through a haunted house. He could fucking actually piss himself…

His thought for a second about actually fighting back or running away but that never proved to get him anything but black and blue. So he just stood there. WAITING for it.

His knees knocked together and he winced every time his dad raised his hands up to shake the burning hot coffee off of him. Typical.

He felt like his dad could smell his fear.

“Jeez Dad I-I’m so sorry I’m such a clutz…” He huffed, practically scrambling to adjust his demeanor and inching away from the ticking time bomb. “I-I’m late for school I--”

“Where the fuck do you think you’re going? I thought you were sick in bed yesterday? You didn't even come down to say goodnight or ANYTHING. What?? So you think you can pull a fast one over on ME huh??” He yelled, grabbing Butters by the forearm and yanking him back up close to him.

“It’s not-- It’s not that I just I-I feel better-- Ow let me go- I’m sorry..” He struggled, trying to loosen his grip on his arm because it was TIGHT but the more he struggled the tighter it got.. He felt like he was going to actually snap his forearm with the pressure of his dads large hand. Fight or _Flight_. He had to get the fuck away from him. He wouldn’t dare…right? Not before school… “You’re really hurting me--”

He heard Kenny’s car honk out front and his stomach dropped. He needed to fucking calm down because he was going to throw up all over himself and make his dad even angrier. His shirt was already destroyed with coffee the last thing it needed was to be topped off with stomach bile…

“You must think I’m the one who’s stupid??!? Like I don’t see what you’re doing--” His dad seethed, squeezing his forearm andpinching at the skin before he shoved Butters back hard against the wall.

“I-I didn't DO anything--” He yelped, putting his hands up to try and protect himself.

“You ruined my GOOD SHIRT. Do you WANT me to lose my job? Do you WANT us to be poor? Do YOU want to get a fucking job and support this family? You can barely go to school without fucking up, or going off with some fucking SCRUB from south of town. Letting common TRAILER TRASH into my house.” He SCREAMED. He could have rattled the pictures off the wall.

“H-He’s just my friend… He was worried--” What did Kenny have to do with any of this? The anger was just spreading to everything else he could get his hands on… Anything remotely relevant.

His Dad practically spit in his face in response. “He is not your friend. Who would want to be friends with you? Look at you. You’ve been nothing but a fucking disappointment.”

Butters was visually torn by that, his eyes welling up with tears. No sympathy, huh? He couldn't stop his words from affecting him. 

“And now you’re going to fucking cry? I’ll give you something to FUCKING cry about. Your life is NOT that fucking hard. YOU make it this hard. It’s all YOU.”

He braced himself to be hit with a closed fist but instead the cup his father was holding was chucked HARD at his head. The fact that it didn't break on impact was shocking… because the stars that exploded behind his eyes and the way his body impulse reacted you’d think that he threw him into a seizure. That wasn’t expected. He figured he meant to hit the wall but his brain immediately fogged up and he almost forgot who the fuck he was over the head rattling RINGING in his ears.

The rest of the altercation fuzzed together in his head. It was almost like he couldn’t hear his Dad talking to him at all. He couldn’t gauge how long he yelled at him. He couldn’t understand what he was saying. He just stood there and screamed and Butters felt like he couldn’t even breathe. Briefly the thought of suicide rushed through his mind but it faded quickly and replaced itself with a louder, more jumbled thought pattern. He thought about Kenny… last night… he hope he liked that he was wearing his shirt… What schedule of classes did he have today?

 

**

 

Received: 6:34AM

Are You coming? We’ll be late :(

Reply?

 

Butters felt like he was standing in the doorway for a long while. For a very clear and obvious reason, he kept losing his train of thought. He was gripping the knob so tight the knuckles on his hand went white.

Did he remember everything this morning?

He opened up the door REALLY really slowly, turning his head to watch his dad angrily ironing a new shirt on the dining room table. He had to come back from this… he needed to jog his brain and get himself back together.

What time was it?

He inhaled and exhaled so hard it rattled his rib cage, blinking his eyes several times before making his way down the driveway. His arm was moderately bruised but every time he thought to put on his sweater his brain switched to some irrational thought about something he had seen on Facebook hours earlier. That or some political argument he had overheard from a conversation weeks ago.

Or dogs. He wished his home life was safe enough for him to have a dog. His father used to starve his hamsters to punish him when he was a child so it wasn't the safest environment for him to own an animal in.

“Hey.” Kenny smiled as he popped himself into the passenger seat. _Silence._ Television static was on replay in Butters mind.“...Hello?”

Butters blinked over at him, a delayed smile peaking on his face as he processed Kenny’s general existence. “Oh, Hey Ken. Sorry if I uh- Kept you waiting too long…” He went to brush his fingers through his hair and accidentally hit himself in the eye, huffing nervously. Fucking get it together…

“Are you okay? You seem more tired then you did when we woke up this morning...”

Again Butters paused, having to blink a few times before he answered him. “Absolutely. Did you do the math homework? I think I might have forgotten.” He chuckled, putting his phone up onto the dashboard for a second so he could put on his seat belt. Okay, done. He could do this. He could keep it together. Butters smiled proudly to himself and went to reach into his pocket to retrieve his phone. What the fuck-- “Actually… I might have forgotten my phone too- One second.” He said, attempting to undo his seat belt before Kenny went and took his hand off the buckle.

“Butters, you serious?… Did you like fall back asleep or something? Look at me.” Kenny said quietly, turning his face to him and prying one of his eyes open a bit. Butters felt stupid for a quick moment. If he focused on Kenny hard enough he could convince him that he was okay. Wait-

Was Kenny wearing that outfit when he left this morning?...

“Your pupils are all fucked up. Did you take something?” Kenny said. He could see the worry in his voice and his stomach lurched. He was sick of feeling like a victim all the time.

“No- Nonono.. Hey…” He cooed, putting both of his hands on Kenny’s cheeks. “I’m okay. Look at me.” He smiled, his own cheeks tinting a darker pink color. “I just fell on my way downstairs… I hit my head pretty hard on the railing… I’m just not myself. I’m stupid, and clumsy.. And I’m STUPID I’m so fucking stupid.” He said, the pad of his thumb petting Kenny’s face to soothe him. “I’m sorry. Don't worry. Lets just go okay?”

Kenny just looked at him for a minute. God damn it. He didn't believe a god damn word did he? The guilt that settled in the pit of his stomach from lying to him like that made him feel a hundred times worse. He didn't want to lie to Kenny but there was so much on the line. He didn't want to be this huge fucking problem he already knew he was becoming. If he let him in, he would have to deal with all of this bullshit too and that wasn't fair.

“...Well I think you have a concussion… and that bruise on your arm is gnarly…” He commented, taking Butters hands off of his face and taking a gentle hold of his bruised skin to inspect it. There was nothing more heartbreaking than seeing Kenny genuinely care about him when he wasn't even deserving of it. He WAS a disappointment. He was stupid to think that Kenny was going to be this amazing escape or that he was going to be able to be completely honest with him. That somehow he could fucking SAVE him even though he made absolutely no effort to save himself. Pathetic. He choked back some tears and smiled lovingly at him. “These look like nail marks-- Uh- Butters?-”

Butters was shaken from the calm in his emotions when he heard a knock on the passenger side door window, practically whipping his head around to see his dad. He looked worried... he looked hurt...

“Open the window.” Butters Dad said sternly, pointing to Kenny. “Now.”

“Uh- Okay?” Kenny said defensively. Because of the intimidating tone of his voice he only CRACKED it open just enough so that they could talk. He couldn’t blame him. His father was a scary man. “Can I help you with something?”

“I don't need ANYTHING from the likes of YOU.” He seethed, his demeanor flicking like a lightswitch to coddle Butters. Tricky, those were his true colors shining through. “Son, get out of the car. We need to talk.” There was silence. Butters didn’t want to do this in front of Kenny.

“Why?” He asked, turning his eyes to the concerned blonde boy who seemed to be shaking his thigh anxiously at the whole situation. Butters softened his gaze to apologize and Kenny’s expression relaxed in response. He could tell he was still on the verbal defense but Butters hoped he would just keep his mouth shut.

“I think that… when you hit your head in the kitchen you might have done quite the number on yourself. I’d like it if you stayed home from school today so I can keep an eye on you. I already called out of work… We can get Subway for lunch if you’re feeling up to it.” He said kindly, knocking on his window again. “Can you please let my son out of the car…”

“Butters.” Kenny said, searching his eyes. “You don’t have to get out of the car if you don't want to.” He said, eyeing down at his bruise and back up at him. “You can stay in the car. Right here. We can go to my house, go into school 3rd period. They won't call home if we get in before 4th.” He whispered, rubbing one of his shoulders as his dad grabbed the handle of the car, shaking the entire thing in attempts to open it.

“Please don’t do this. Don’t leave me like your Mother wants to. I can’t lose my son..” His dad begged, and Butters turned back to meet his gaze. The pity in his heart left him conflicted. Confused. “I’m so sorry. You know I mean that.”

“...Can we talk when I get home? I can’t miss school again… not If I want to graduate... I swear I come home right after...” He said weakly, moving to open his window a bit more and take his father’s hand. The whole thing put the most sour taste in his mouth. “Mom isn't leaving okay? I know things are stressful, they’ll get better… She’s just involved in the church you KNOW that.” He lied.

His Dad seemed to cower a bit, holding Butters hand tight and looking down at the bruise on his arm. His eyes shot back up to him and mouthed an apology when he thought that Kenny wasn't able to see it. The act had Butters pulling his arm back in shame. Why did he have to be so pathetic?

“Have a good day, son”

 

**

 

The drive to Kenny’s house was silent and it did wonders for Butters head but most certainly not his mental state. He felt so… vulnerable. He knew Kenny wasn’t stupid. He knew that he NOTICED him and his dads stories didn’t match up. He knew that every bruise, mark, scar was going to be closely examined and he didn’t WANT Kenny to see this part of his home life. He made sure to hide it at almost any point in time. The only thing that he was grateful for was the compassion his Dad showed in front of Kenny, whether or not it was convincing enough for him to believe was really up to interpretation.

“...So, which one was it?” Kenny asked as they settled into his room, kicking his shoes off against the door frame as he locked the door. His house always smelled like weed and moldy clothes but it wasn't the most unpleasant thing in the world. It just smelled like Kenny.  It was pretty poorly lit and that aided his impending migraine too... “Falling down the stairs or hitting your head in the kitchen?”

Butters couldn't meet his gaze, rubbing the bruise on his arm and shrugging his shoulders. “Neither.”

“Do you want to talk about what actually happened?” Kenny asked but was just met with silence.

He DIDN'T want to talk about it. He just wanted to take a nap in Kenny’s bed and forget about everything. Not that he would have much TO remember… his memory was already starting to lose itself in patches from the morning as well as the night before. That hurt. He didn't want to forget those times with Kenny.

“...Okay, we don't have to talk about it… Look, lets talk about something else okay? Hey, Come here… we can smoke a little bit it might help-” Kenny smiled, crawling closer to Butters and putting his red and white striped bowl in his hand. “You can just tell me when you're ready okay? Here..” His thin fingers poked a bit of bud into the bowl for him and curled Butters fingers around it with a smile. “You can have all of this for yourself… More if you need.”

Butters looked down at the bowl, nodding sadly before putting it to his mouth while Kenny lit it up for him. He was so good to him. Too good. He didn’t deserve any of this for all his dishonesty…

“You look really nice today. I like that you wore my shirt… the whole ‘tucked into the pants’ look is really cute… You’ve kinda got twink arms though I don't think I’ve seen you wear a t-shirt in YEARS.” he teased.

Butters exhaled the smoke from his hit and coughed a bit, tears just freely forming and trickling down his face. He wasn't even fucking sad. He didn't feel anything. “Thank you… I thought maybe I could like… either impress you OR embarrass you… i figured if anything I'd just come up with an excuse if like--” He hiccuped, wiping his face hysterically. “You didn't want Cartman to open his mouth or something…” He felt like he was so pathetic.

But Kenny… didn't seem to share that thought. He wrapped his warm arms around him from the side and just held him there like he was the only person in his life he saw genuinely in that moment. It was comforting even though he knew deep down he could just be pitying him.

“Stop your crying… you got at least one person who is here and willing to listen.” He purred, leaning his head against Butters trembling shoulder.

He felt like such a gross fucking person. So undeserving… yet when Kenny held him he let himself accept it. He took the love, and he turned and enveloped himself in that deep warm hug. “You’re okay. Hey…” Kenny said softly, petting the back of his head.

There was nothing to really say. They just sat there for quite some time, Kenny playing with the long hairs on the back of Butters head and just letting his breathing calm into his chest. It was… therapeutic. It was nice.

“Are you okay? Kenny inquired.

Butters sniffed, lifting his head and wiping his tears and snot off Kenny’s sweater. “Fuck- Sorry-- Yeah yeah.. I’m okay. You?”

“I’m okay… your dad made me really uncomfortable, especially when he tried to get into my car to get you… but I’m not as shaken up as I was before… You calmed me down a lot. I’m glad you didn't go inside with him.” Kenny admitted. He took a deep breath before he leaned in and wiped a stray tear off Butters left eye. It was beading a bit on his lashes and it made him look kinda cute…

“Heh- Trust me, I was going to. Did you see the look on his face? I deserve shittiest son award.”

Butters wasn't sure if he believed himself when he said that. Part of him knew he could be better… if he could just BE FUCKING BETTER….

He broke his train of thought with a soft pre-cry hiccup, covering his mouth with the back of his hand. “Sorry.”

“You are not the shittiest son… There are plenty of people who commit patricide.. Those are some pretty shitty sons huh?” He laughed, nudging Butters to try and make him laugh. “Come on, I need you to give me that thousand dollar smile…”

“Sorry.. Fuck-- I feel like my brain is just scrambled eggs right now.” He chuckled, picking the bowl back up and taking another shaky hit. “This though- This is helping.”

Kenny leaned himself back on his elbows and let his head hang backwards. “It was a 50/50 shot at making you WORSE or making you better so I’m glad I didn't kill you…”

Butters watched Kenny’s body language, tapping his knee and offering him the bowl as he exhaled. “Can I ask you something?”

Kenny sat up with his eyebrows furrowed, politely taking the bowl and packing it a little more. “Shoot.”

He shifted, pulling nervously at Kenny’s shirt. This.. would at least start a conversation not related to his own suffering. “When Eric makes fun of you for being sweet to me… does it ever bother you? That he thinks we are like.. Gay?”

Kenny put his finger up at him to pause the conversation so he could take his hit, practically sucking up the entire bowl before he exhaled. Damn.

“Does it bother me that Cartman THINKS we are gay? No. Why the hell would it? Being gay isn't an insult anymore-”

“Not BECAUSE of the gay part… because-”

“Of the you part? You interrupt me a lot… It doesn't bother me at all… We are both adults… we are both _cute_ adults… so what? I’ve dated some ugly fucking girls- You’d be a step up from a couple of them.” He laughed, setting the bowl on the floor between them. “Why the interest in how I feel about being associated with you? Have I ever cared who I associated with before? I hang out with Cartman.”

“...So you're not gay right?”

“Are you _kidding me_ ? Of course not-- Dude this is ME we’re talking about...” Kenny ran his hands through his hair. Butters could tell he was kind of embarrassed. “ _But_ … I’d be a liar if I didn't feel compelled to check out Craig’s ass when he walks past my house to get to school in the morning. Y’know? I like girls… like a lot… but like 2% of me is kinda interested in... pretty boys. I don't like… identify as bi or anything though… I don't want to be a walking rainbow flag like… well, Craig haha.” His ears burned with a blush that spread from his cheeks up to his ears. Butters wondered how many people Kenny had been this vulnerable in front of before.

“Do you like Craig?” Butters heart ached.

“Haha- Again- _Fuck No_ … have you seen who he’s with? They’re disgustingly perfect for eachother… he just has that ass dude. A girl ass y’know. Roooound.” He spoke with his hands, drawing a perfect circle in the air.

_Oh thank god._

“Fair enough… do you like anyone at all?” He asked, immediately regretting it the second it left his mouth. Stupid.

“Yeah actually…” Kenny blushed, shifting close to Butters. His heart could have stopped.

“What are you-”

“The person I like… hes..” He got up close to him, taking his cheek in his hand. Did he just say HE?... Butters noticed his eyes flicker down to his lips and he parted them softly for him as he got closer… Holy fuck. He couldn't believe this was happening. Is this really how this was going to go?...  His eyes fluttered closed and his hand clutched his shirt expectantly...

“Cartman.” He said, so suddenly it made his head spin. Butters eyes FLEW open.

“Uh, Excuse me?”

Shortly after he reacted Kenny burst into laughter, falling back onto the floor and holding his belly. Butters was so fucking confused…

“No NO not him I was _kidding_ \- ehah- fuck… STOP… I can’t.” Kenny exhaled, falling into this cute little wheeze as he rolled onto his side. Butters couldn't help but laugh nervously in response, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

“That was kinda mean!” Butters smacked him in the hip. He couldn't find it in him to be angry… he just started to burst into uncontrollable laughter with him. How much more infectious could Kenny’s personality get…

“I-I’m sorry.. I’m really _sorry_.” Kenny CHOKED on his own laughter, trying to calm himself down but it was futile. He thought that he was the funniest person on the face of the planet. Maybe it was the weed… Maybe it was just Kenny… How did he always find these weird ways to make him feel exponentially better. “I mean we know who YOU like now…” Kenny commented, chest heaving as he calmed down.

“Oh sure don't flatter yourself… I probably have a concussion. You were taking advantage in my weak state...” Butters stopped himself from allowing Kenny to know things about him like that. As much as he wanted to admit that he liked Kenny… now wasn't the right time. Would it ever be the right time? He didn't want to push himself into the self loathing part of his mind he always defaulted on. He already accepted the fact that he didn't deserve Kenny… okay, he ATTEMPTED to accept it.

“Can’t blame me for trying… the face you made when I fuckin’ said _Cartman_ oh my god…” He puckered his lips and pressed his clasped together hands to his chest. “You were like HUUUH whaaat?” Kenny laughed to himself, making an over exaggerated shocked expression.

“Oh my GOD STOP I could be dying from brain damage and you're making fun of me…” He laughed, checking his phone. Second period was about to be over and he knew his time alone with Kenny was coming to an end. He didn't know when he would get this kind of time with him again. It was hard to be grateful with looming fear overcoming him...

He never wanted to leave. He never wanted to be anywhere but right here.

“You okay?” Kenny asked, putting his hand over his on his phone. He was shocked out of his thought and he tried to process it without coming off slow.

“You ask me that a ton- Yeah… stupid.”

He watched as Kenny got up and stretched his lanky legs, his eyes averting to the window. He could tell Kenny really didn't want to go to school either. He was barely ever there anyway. Butters hoped that he didn't drop out all together. They were so close to graduating and if he wasn't going to get more education he should at least finish high school. His subconscious worrying got the best of him.

“Okay We should head out, Butters…”

“Why don't we buy tickets and go to Denver for the day instead.” Butters said delightfully, holding onto his ankles like a child. “That would be fun, right?”

“Do you really want to get in more trouble… after your dad tried to break his ass into my CAR this morning to get to you. We have NO money. We could drive but- Still no money for gas. Not to mention my car is a total disaster inside and out. Imagine driving through Denver in a beat up Nissan Altima--” Kenny stopped when he saw the look of wonder on Butters face. He couldn't help but evolve into a smile. “You really want to go to Denver instead of school… in a car that could break down any minute? With a concusion? To do WHAT.”

“When’s the Colorado State Fair?” Butters asked hopefully.

“Yesterday..?”

“Oh… Well.. why don't we go somewhere closer then.” Butters offered, scrambling around for his bag to see if he brought his wallet. “I want to make this morning truly worth it…”

“How about…” Kenny walked over and snatched his bag before he could get it. “We GO to school… we get some Taco Bell on the way home, MY treat, and we make WELL ESTABLISHED plans to go to Denver so you have something to look forward to. The year is almost over.” He said. “I’ll take you. Just not today. The only place I’m taking you is school or the hospital if your pupils don't go back to normal soon. They’re freakin’ me out a little bit.”


	4. Part Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Overall he was doing a lot better. No need for unnecessary worry. Especially from Kenny who seemed to be neglecting all of his responsibilities in fear Butters was going to straight up DROP dead at some point today. He sighed to himself at the thought. He really needed to take school more seriously.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really fought with myself to post this because I've been going through some stuff and Its really bummed me out but writing is helping me get through it. Here Ya Go guys. I have about two or so more chapters planned out! So look forward to the ending soon.
> 
> If you like it, shoot me a comment! If you don't, Gimme some feedback! I'd love to hear thoughts (that aren't telling me to kill myself, preferably. I'm keeping anon comments on but if I get that comment again I'm going to turn it off indefinitely.)
> 
> Thank you for taking the time to read this and I hope you enjoy the fic!

School was a blur. He didn't put much thought into the rest of the day. The only thing he could bare to focus on was the vibrating in his pocket every couple of hours like clockwork. Kenny kept asking if he was okay, coming to his locker during transitional periods and checking his eyes to see if he was doing any better. He even snuck into his lunch period to just sit with him and talk. Of course, Butters split his lunch tray in two and they shared the slop they dared call ‘brain food’.

He didn't want to tell Kenny that he almost threw it up when he had a dizzy spell later on the next period.

Overall he was doing a lot better. No need for unnecessary worry. Especially from Kenny who seemed to be neglecting all of his responsibilities in fear Butters was going to straight up DROP dead at some point today. He sighed to himself at the thought. He really needed to take school more seriously.

He struggled to hold a couple books against his chest as he collected his things out of his locker for the end of the day. Nothing specific was going through his mind. Maybe that was an unhealthy involuntary coping mechanism to keep him from the fear of going home. He didn't think that his dad was going to hit him or anything like that. He had got that part of his anger spell out early that morning. He knew the only thing left was the apology… the overcompensation. 

It wasn't his choice whether to forgive him or not. Deep down you love your parents. Sometimes Deep… DEEP down.

He noticed that Kenny hadn’t come to meet him at his locker like he said he was going to… Maybe he was caught up. Maybe he was getting sick of him. He quickly threw that thought into the garbage. After everything he’d been coaching him through? If he was sick of him he would have left already. He really had to stop himself from being so fucking negative all the time.

Butters sighed and shut his locker, attempting to ignore the cluster of kids running down the hallway in the… opposite direction? The fuck? His eyes flickered over to the end of the hall. They were all flocking towards the Home Eco classroom. 

“Hey-” Butters called weakly, happening to catch Cartman heavily waddling towards the commotion. “What’s going on? Is it a lock down drill?”

“What?” Cartman shook his hands off harshly and snapped around to grab his wrist. “It’s a fucking fight. Come on…” He was clearly out of breath but he was on a mission and Butters was APPARENTLY coming with him.

“U-uh okay!” He commented weakly, tripping over his own ankles as he kept close to him.

The hallway was ROARING with screaming, people pushing, chanting. The benefits of having a shit brick house of a friend to push through the crowd ahead of you, huh? Butters couldn't stop himself from laughing at the volume of people that gathered together to see this. What a time to be alive. Before he could comprehend the sheer adrenalyn rushing through his veins he was shoved up through to the front, tripping and falling down through the crowd and just looking through the thin sea of legs to the main show.

The first thing he saw was a mess of blonde hair being pulled and smashed back into the faux marble of the school floor. He wasn't expecting to be so close to the action. 

Before he got too comfortable he felt Cartman’s large hands grip him by the back of the shirt and shove him up off the floor, wrapping his arm around his shoulder and shouting so loud it reverberated against the back of his skull. It really was an experience like no other and he was in the nosebleed section. He weakly clenched his fists, suppressing the urge to SCREAM for the winning party.

“Butters!” Kenny screamed suddenly from behind him, yanking him by the back of his shirt and attempting to pull him out of the crowd. “What the fuck are you doing here? Fucking--” He yelled, practically propelling his body away from the commotion as teachers barreled through the halls to break it up. “Hello?”

But he couldn't dare to respond. His eyes were fixated on the mess of people in front of him. He was embarrassed but would never admit how BAD he wanted to see a teacher get punched in the face. 

Kenny grabbed him by the cheeks and forced his eyes to meet his big blue ones, seemingly searching them for any signs of intelligent life.

“What? WHAT? I’m here.” Butters laughed hysterically, puckering his lips at him.

“What are you doing? You were straight up in the front of all of that I thought you went off the deep end and started wailing on somebody--”

“To be honest-” Butters choked on his laughter. “I thought it was you in there-”

“You’re scaring me. Is that what you think of me?” Kenny asked, letting go of his cheeks and pressing their foreheads together.

“What? Nonono-- oh my god…” He laughed, grabbing his hands and pulling Kenny down towards the back exit of the school. “You just... shoulda seen it… he had his head down on the floor-” He choked on the lack of air in his lungs. His head spinning. That was wild. 

“You might have a concussion and you're at the head of an all out brawl?” Kenny laughed, their eyes meeting and in the heat of the moment Butters almost fucking kissed him. Kenny must have felt it too because his chest heaved unevenly to catch his breath.

Butters was the first one to break the eye contact, his face beat red. “A-Are you still taking me to Taco Bell today before you drop me off home?” He asked. Kenny seemed to shy away and shrug. Uh oh. He knew what he was about to say.

“You don't have to go home… we can go back to my house.” He commented softly. Butters could tell that he was nervous for him and he practically drilled a ‘told you so’ to his concussed brain.

“How about instead we get Taco Bell and BOTH go to my house instead?”

He knew at least if Kenny came over his Dad couldn't do ANYTHING to him at the risk of Kenny knowing… He hoped. Kenny already saw his Dad play the pathetic victim card to he figured hell, why not.

“Uh- Okay… Not sure how I feel about that.”

“You don’t have to…” He said, but his big blue eyes fluttered to convince him otherwise.

 

**

 

“I never knew you could get Nachos bell grande with FRIES instead.” Butters chimed happily, the little black plastic tray sitting up pressed to his belly. “It's like- WOW… a whole new fucking world.” 

“I fuckin’ told you that you could! You didn't believe me huh? Limited Time ONLY.” 

Spending time with Kenny… how the fuck else could you describe it but EUPHORIC. He knows he has used the word a thousand time in reference to exact moments like these but honest there was no word more intense then that. Even with hypotheticals swimming in his head he kept his eyes on Kenny, scarfing down his fries like it was his last meal.

“Slow down slow down!” Butters laughed. He leaned himself over and took some of the nacho cheese of his lips with the pad of his thumb only to plop it into his own mouth overdramatically. The look on Kenny's face when he did that was priceless. 

“My precious cheese-- You know how I feel about that.”

“Watch yourself or next it's the guac.”

Kenny inhaled dramatically, putting one hand to his chest in offense. “You WOULDN’T.”

Hysterical laughter erupted from Butters. “Oh I Would don't you dare test me--”

Kenny smiled and went back to focusing on his food. Butters didn't stop looking at him though. He just enjoyed the view like he was on the 15th floor of a 5 star hotel. Beautiful. He knew he could only stare for a couple of minutes before Kenny would notice and make some off handed comment. It was so hard not to look.  Even though he was a sloppy eater he was still so handsome. Butters smiled to himself and went back to his food, scooping up a big chunk of beans and cheese on a fry and leaning over. “Here.”

Kenny’s eyes lit up as he snapped forward to bite it out of his hand. “Awe you like me you really like me!!”

“Shut up- You ready to head to my house soon? My Dad’s been texting me asking where I been. He was… surprisingly cool when I asked if you could come over… my mom might even be home.”

Mid chew Kenny made a face, swallowing before he spoke again. “I really don't like your Dad… is your mom at least cool?”

“Oh, my mom is WONDERFUL. You don't even know the half of it. I hope you at least like her.”

Kenny seemed pretty skeptical when he said that but he himself was more confident than ever.

When they drove back he held his hand on Butters thigh the entire ride. He thought maybe he was just trying to comfort him so in attempts to do the same he laced his fingers into his tight. He was ready for this.

 

**

 

“Nice to meet you properly sir.” Kenny beamed, shaking Butters Dad’s hand with a tight grip. Butters found himself frantically searching for his father's eyes. Not much reaction. Less than amused. Butters heart was throbbing in his chest. He wouldn’t be completely shocked if his dad hated Kenny but he didn't want it to cause too much of a problem.

“Nice to meet you too, son. You’re the boy that’s been taking our Butters to school every morning?” His Dad had a newspaper rolled in the palm of his hand, swatting at a stray fly that had been irritating him since they walked in with it. He looked like the most stereotypical father character you could imagine. 

“Yes Sir.” Kenny wrapped his arm around Butters shoulder with a toothy grin. “He’s in safe hands… got my license last year. 0 Accidents on my record if you can believe it.”

“I actually can't. But that's good for you.” The backhanded comment came out a lot snarkier than Butters thought his dad would get, right about the same time the newspaper whipped to the wall and killed the pesky fly. The lack of buzzing from it made the entire room go dead silent. 

That could not have been more awkward. Stunned by the lack of reaction his Dad followed up by one of those hearty dad laughs. “I’m joking, son. I don't worry. I trust Butters to choose the people he hangs out with wisely.”

“Uh- Dad as MUCH fun as we’re having sittin’ talking-” Butters shrugged his shoulders a bit. Maybe ‘fun’ wasn't the word. More like, as AWKWARD as it's been…  “Is it okay if I take Kenny upstairs with me?..” Butters cut in, taking Kenny’s hand in his in nervously. He could feel his rising heartbeat in the palm of his hand.

“If you leave the door open.” His father said, distrust tainting his voice. It made Leo nervous but he wasn't about to show it. Of course he would have to leave his door open. His father was probably going to want to hear if they talk at all about what happened this morning.

Kenny seemed to be alright with it, politely accepting his words as law before he slid his hand into the back pocket of Butters jeans flirtatiously. “Of course, sir. Anything to respect your home.”

Butters quickly shook his hand off of him and jabbed him in the side. He didn't want his dad to be more suspicious of them then he had to be. 

Too Late. He noticed his dad raise his eyebrow. Why couldn't Kenny be cute like that in private.

As quickly they had entered Butters yanked Kenny by the back of his shirt and forced him to come upstairs.

**

 

Butters was doing the best job he could to fight the feeling of dread that was going to envelop him the second Kenny left. He really hoped that his mom would be there to soften the blow but she had ditched out for a ‘Bible Study’ meeting.  He knew his father would have words about the way they acted downstairs. Maybe it would be ‘he’s too cocky’ or ‘you know how I feel about faggots, Butters’. He had to emotionally prepare himself to NOT snap back when he insulted him. As untrue as everything his Dad could POSSIBLY say about Kenny, it wasn't wise to start an argument about it. Kenny wouldn’t want him to do that.

He quietly wished he had the time to clean him up before he invited him over but he knew that it would be worse to force him to be something that he’s not just to impress his Dad. He wouldn’t impose something like that on him ever.

“He sure is something.” Kenny commented as he dug through his bag for one of his notebooks, opening up to a clean page and jotting something down on it. Leo wasn't sure what he could be doing but by the time he was handed the book he understood.

 

> Doesn't really seem like he likes me very much huh?

 

Butters let out a sigh of relief and snatched the pen from his hand.

 

>No, really doesn't seem like it. But don't feel bad, I don't think he liked anyone I’ve ever hung out with so it's not anything new. :(

 

> Are you okay?

 

Kenny got up close to him and grabbed another pen so they could somewhat write at the same time and just pass the book between their laps. He hoped that the silence wouldn’t trigger his dads paranoia but for all he knew they were doing homework anyway. Kenny seemed to know the perfect things to do to keep everything calm and at bay.

 

>Yeah I’m just really nervous.

 

>For what? Worse comes to worse we can just not come here to hang out again. Who cares? I don't give a shit if your dad doesn't like me it's not often that parents do.

 

>That's not cool :(

 

>That's life Buttercup.

 

Butters shrugged off a blush, his heart pounding in his chest.

“You like to draw right?” Kenny asked out loud, opening up to a cleaner page to hide the conversation just incase. 

“Well, kinda-”

“I saw you doodling on the edges of your paper in class today, you’re really good. Could you draw me something?”

Leo just had to sit there for a second and admire him. The only reason he seemed to be getting away with any of this bullshit was Kenny’s fast thinking and good attitude. He was excited to be around him more. He wanted to learn absolutely everything about him. All of his flaws and bad judgement. His home life- his parents…

He broke the thought by lifting a finger, going through his own bag and grabbing a pencil.

“If I draw you something will you hang it up on your fridge?” He asked with a grin, adjusting the book on his lap. He didn't much like drawing on lined paper. The eraser always fucked up the lines but if it was for Kenny he was starting to think that he would do absolutely anything for him

“Of course…”

Butters took the pencil in his hand and just started to doodle random things on the piece of paper. A bunny, a little ballerina figure, and a couple cartoon-like interpretations of Kenny himself. He wasn't an ARTIST but it was something that got him through some hard times. He was really shocked Kenny was paying that close attention to him at all. It might be a delirious thought but maybe… just maybe- No. No way in hell would Leo ever let his train of thought do that to him. He would just be leading himself on.

Kenny peered over his shoulder for a bit before he rest his cheek down on it, admiring the way Leo dragged the pencil across the paper. The way he was acting would lead him to believe he could sit like this for hours. Leo knew that was at least true on his part.

“I don't understand how you can get your hands to do that. I draw a mean stick figure and that's about the extent of my ability.”

“I’ve been drawing forever. You don't just wake up good at art… I bet if you started to practice you would catch up pretty quick. You’re really creative.”

Kenny seemed to hesitate at the compliment. “You think so?”

“Duh. I mean, I know a little about you- not a LOT- but struggle creates the best art. Start with venting through it, and you’ll discover a lot about yourself.. I used to start drawing whenever I felt sad or stressed or anxious, and you can really see yourself grow when you put emotion to it.” He commented, his tone devoid of any real inflection since he was focused on his art now.

Kenny on the other hand was enthralled with it. He had never witnessed someone be genuinely interested in his hobbies before.

“You really need to stop being so perfect before I fall in love with you.”

“Is that a threat or a promise?” Butters chuckled, thinking very well that this was a joke even though his hopeful heart saw it differently.

“With the luck I have in love it's definitely both.” Kenny got a bit quieter now. That made him nervous.

It was followed with silence as most of their more awkward interactions go but Kenny wasn't having any of that. He reached his hand over and laced his fingers in with his. Butters tried desperately to convince himself that it was some kind of weird platonic notion, but he never ever saw Kenny hold anyone else's hand like this. It seemed provoked and oddly coordinated.

“You remember when I asked you how you knew if you really wanted to be with someone…”

Butters gulped nervously. “Yeah… then you fell asleep on me.”

“Well- first off all shut UP I was tired. Second of all there was a reason why I asked. I think I like someone and it's driving me crazy. But they’re going through so much, it feels selfish to base romantic feelings off of worrying for them. Like, they are really kind…” Kenny paused to rub the pad of his thumb along the palm of his hand. “And they get a lot of shit that they don't deserve. Like don't get me wrong- They can be a little asshole sometimes and their attitude can get the best of them… but I think I even like the bad things. Sneaking around with them, just spending time with them. You know?”

He couldn't help but just stay silent, this weird nostalgia mixed with crippling distress followed through his body like a skewer. He wanted this so bad. He wanted him to keep talking and hearing about this but he knew it was ABOUT him and he didn't know WHY it didn't feel nearly as good as he hoped it would. It actually made him feel bad. Guilty.

“But I don't think they realize how obvious it is that they like me a lot…”

“I don't think you realize… that there’s a lot of things they haven’t told you.” Butters couldn't stop himself from blurting it out. “I think you think a lot higher of them then they deserve and I think that they are in a-a bad fucking place. They have been for a really long time- And it's really unfair of them to say that they like you a lot because there's too much fucking baggage that comes with it and they DON'T want to just like you because you’re the kind of person they need right now.”

Kenny stayed quiet when he said that. He either hit the nail on the head or got everything absolutely wrong. 

“...No, I completely understand…” Kenny said with a smile, taking his pen and doodling a REALLY poorly done picture of Butters. “But I don't think they realize I’d be willing to work for them.”

“That’s so unhealthy.” He couldn't stop his lip from quivering. “You shouldn't want to put yourself in a situation like that.”

Kenny’s smile wavered. “I’ve been in situations like this my WHOLE life. This is so close to my normal. Have you ever thought about why we click so well? We’ve lived the same experiences, just one of us grew up with a little more money- a more distinguished manipulation.”

Butters noticed they stopped that stupid ‘talking about each other like they weren’t talking about each other’ thing and it made his anxiety spike. “This isn’t at all how I thought this would go.”

“What? Did you think it was going to be be proposing in front of the sunset? I could sit here and feed you every line from The Notebook but it wouldn’t be real. It wouldn’t be genuine. It wouldn’t be us.” He was talking really quietly but every once and awhile the intensity of his voice would raise it's volume. “When I look at you I feel this need to protect you.”

“No That's- Kenny-” Butters paused, trying to collect his thoughts. “It’s not fair to tell you I like you… when I don't even like me.”

“But it's realistic.” Kenny shot back the second he finished, causing Butters to jump a little. “It’s real life. I know that I won't be able to make things better. I don't even know if I’ll be able to handle it. But I want to try and with how I’m currently feeling I’d do anything to get that chance. Whatever you’re going through… I don't think I’ll ever be able to mend it but what I can do is be your partner. What I can do is go above and beyond.”

“And I won’t be able to do the same thing for you.” Butters said, but instead of rejecting the physical affection he held his hand tighter. He didn't want to let go. He didn't think he was capable of saying NO. 

In response to his affectionate clinging Kenny sighed. He could tell he was getting frustrated and he didn't want to push him.

“Every time I’ve wanted to do something for you, you have fought me on it. You aren’t selfish for going through tough times, you aren't expectant. I mean FUCK Butters I’m telling you that I want to be with you and you’re still trying to argue with me. When are you going to realize you’re not HURTING anyone when they are worried about you. That’s loving you. Just because I’m not going through any particular trauma in my life right now doesn't mean that maybe a month down the line-- Imagine my Mom OD’s- I KNOW you would be there for me. You’d do anything in your power to get to me. The way you reacted when I cut my arm? If you can’t  _ tell me _ that you care about me then I’ll just have to remember the actions you took that showed me that you do. I’m not stupid and I won't pity you when you sit and cry because you won't let anybody in.”

Butters just kind of sat there listening, holding back tears incase his Dad decided to walk in on them and eavesdrop. This was… less than romantic.

“I want to be able to be the kind of person for you that you are for me. But I don't know if I can do that.”

“Why the fuck not?”

“Because I cant even be the person you are to me FOR me.”

 

 

**

 

 

Kenny left shortly after their fight.. Fight? Was it a fight? He didn't feel like it was but the way Kenny didn't smile after their hug goodbye had him worried. He didn't know why he fought back so hard on him when he didn't deserve it. Kenny was being vulnerable for him and he just caused more of a problem. He was a problem in itself. Until he found the courage to be the one who gets himself out of the rut his life had tossed him into he couldn't be okay with letting Kenny love him an unfair amount. That was just something he had to come to terms with. 

He sat and rubbed up his forearms to comfort himself. Love wasn't going to save him. This isn't a problematic 90’s romance novel. He recognized that. 

Just because Kenny loved him enough to give his all to save him didn't mean he was going to succeed. It wasn't fair to think somehow Kenny being his boyfriend would give him the courage to run away from his parents house and abandon everything he’s ever known. It didn't work like that in real life. A boyfriend doesn't save your life. A boyfriend isnt going to suddenly make the hard parts any easier.

He sat in his room for quite a while after he left, just thinking over all the things he said. How could Kenny be so fucking stupid. Such a hopeless romantic for nothing but disappointment. It wasn't fair. The feelings were all there… but an 80/20 ratio was something he wasn't willing to settle on. He wanted to be 50/50. Or at least 60/40. He needed a lot of work and courage to get to that point.

 

Received: 7:24pm

 

-  I’m sorry for some of the things I said. I didn't mean to make it seem like I was trying to force you to be with me.

-  I guess that there is just some weird part of me that would do anything to make you happy. I guess that can make me selfish.

-  But I understand where you're coming from. You're going through some shit. I get it.

 

-  Please answer. I feel really horrible about how angry I got :(

-  You didn't deserve that. I believe a lot of what I said but it all came out so wrong. Give me a chance to be more rational. Call me when you get this.

_ Reply? _

 

Butters read through the messages and was glad that he had read reciepts off. He didn't want to talk about it right now. He knew everything Kenny said was right and it was beyond fucked up that he was even apologizing for it. Kenny deserved a lot better then what Butters could offer him at this point in time.

On some level it was just something that he would have to grow and learn from. 

Shaken from his thoughts he heard a heavy hand knock on the door, causing him to wipe the tears that were somehow free forming without him knowing and weakly croak out a little “Come in”

His dad cracked open the door just a bit and looked inside before he stepped in the rest of the way. He knew that he could tell he was upset but instead of pressing as to while he seemingly decided to just go sit on his bed.

“So I wanted to talk to you about today.”

“...Okay.”

“I just wanted to apologize for how out of hand I got this morning over some stupid mistake- But more importantly I actually wanted to say something about the little ‘friend’ you had over earlier.”

“Yeah?..” He inquired but he felt like he already knew what he was going to say. He didn't like him. He wasn't very proud of his choice in people. All the things he had heard a million times before. “What about him?”

An odd silence filled the room and made Butters sick to his stomach. He wished he would stop making that disappointing face.

“I actually don’t think that you should hang out with him anymore.” His dad said softly, hands on his lap in a more professional looking stance. “I feel like he knows way too much about everything, and I don't want him to be any more involved with you. Romantically or otherwise.”

He fought back word vomiting about how he was pretty sure he fucked up the romantic part but he was too stone cold shut down by the ‘otherwise.’

“I respect that a lot but I really don't want to do that.”

“Now, Leo, I am your father and I’m not going to tell you twice. I don’t like the kid, I don’t like the family he came from, and I don’t like the sly remarks. He thinks I’m the devil, I can tell. I don’t want him around you again. You understand?”

Silence.

“Leo!”

“I REALLY don't want to do that.” He snapped a little bit but he covered it up by coughing into his hand. He wasn't going to do that. Kenny wasn't going to accept that but maybe it was for the best.

“You can and you WILL. Now, I’ve had enough of this. I think we give you enough freedom as it is and I would really appreciate it if you would come off your high horse and do something for the FAMILY for once. You can be so selfish. Come down for dinner tonight, your mother is going to be home soon and she feels like she hasn’t seen you in a while… and cover that NASTY bruise on your arm. It makes me look bad.”

 

**

 

Butters found himself pacing down the street to school the next day. He wasn't sure if he was even going to make it in time without Kenny to give him a ride but it was all his fault anyway. Kenny had hit his phone up several times asking if he still wanted a ride to school with him but in fear his father would log into Verizon and read his outgoing messages he ignored them. He could get to school on his own he didn't need Kenny to get him. Step One of his master plan was to become more independent. If he could do things on his own maybe the feelings would go away. 

Doubtful.


	5. Part Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hey Stranger.” A disembodied voice called at him. Butters turned himself around in a bit of a tizzy and saw Kenny, rolling slowly in his car behind him. He must have really been caught in thought for a long time because that car of his was SO loud you could usually hear it from a couple blocks away. “Need a ride?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Guys! Happy Bunny week! I've been working on this fic like a mother fucker and I'm very happy to say that it is about one more chapter to finish! I've been really happy with how this went and I'm really grateful for how many people enjoy it and have been taking the time to read it! I hope you enjoy this chapter and look forward to the final chapter!
> 
> Let me know what you think!  
> Sorry in advance for any grammatical errors! (I'm not the best at catching them.

The sound of his feet against the wet pavement wasn't at all soothing. The leaves were a bit slippery from the rain late the night before. He really hated rainy weather, especially the muggy hot kind. He wiped a bead of sweat from his brow and pressed on. He was going to be late.

Instead of his constant worry he mentally dozed off. He thought about what life COULD be like if he didn't accidentally ruin everything he touched instead of just talking it out like a human being. He was sure if he could have remained calm and not panicked under pressure he could have saved the both of them a little drama. He could have explained how he was feeling and gotten an actual constructive response. Instead they both just got frustrated with each other and backed off. Kenny thought it would be too easy.

But maybe it was supposed to be, Butters had no clue.

He looked up at the dull grey sky, admiring the way the sky part from sunset to storm cloud. The rain had to go away at some point and he could see hope on the horizon.

“Hey Stranger.” A disembodied voice called at him. Butters turned himself around in a bit of a tizzy and saw Kenny, rolling slowly in his car behind him. He must have really been caught in thought for a long time because that car of his was SO loud you could usually hear it from a couple blocks away. “Need a ride?”

“No, I’ll be okay.” He responded, still his legs hesitated to step forward. He WANTED to talk to him. He almost had to stop himself from apologizing to him just so he could get away from the elephant in the room.

“Look, I’m sorry for everything that I said yesterday. I really… get defensive when it's not my place. I get that you’re going through a hard time and I don't want to stress you out any more then you already are… I just think that things could be really great with us. You don't have to agree, but I’m not going to give up on you. Even if we can’t date I’m not going to take NO for an answer on our friendship. You’re important to me like that.” He said, squeaking his car to a stop and leaning out the window. “So will you just get in the damn car?”

Butters was frozen in his spot. He had so much to say, and he wasn't sure if NOW was the time to say it but before he could STOP his mouth it started running.

“I know that you mean well, fuck, I really do.” He inhaled shakily. “I just also know that… I’ve been lying to you and hiding things from you and it's more than unfair to sit here and let you… treat me like this person when I know that's not who I am.”

Kenny furrowed his eyebrows. It was clear he needed a second to breathe and relax before he answered. “Do you really think that I don't know your Dad hits you? It’s not as well hidden as you think it is. I know that you’ve been lying to me. But I also know that you’ve cried genuinely in front of me, shown me all this REAL emotion, and I know that right now you CAN’T give me what you THINK I need... because you’re afraid. That’s okay. But don't deny me the right to get to know you because you don't like you.”

Butters kicked his foot against a pile of wet leaves on the road. He wasn't giving up was he? Part of him was more then relieved… But that part of him was on some level a shitty person.

“I want to start being more honest with you.”

“Then do it. I know I’m not the best at it but I’ll do the same.”

“I don’t want to scare you away.”

Kenny pursed his lips. “We all have skeletons in the closet. You aren’t going to do that.”

More silence. Butters felt like he began to just take up space in the road and moved over to get into the passenger seat of his car.

“I’ll start the honesty train if I have to… I could tell you not to come near me, because I’m nothing but TROUBLE. I have a bad home life. I’ve seen guys shoot up in front of me. I’ve been tempted. I don’t have a close relationship with my father and my mother is too cracked out to care about much of anything. You ever wonder why they’re never around when you come over? Why they don't care where I am? I have to take care of my kid sister because I don't have a choice. No one else is going to do it.” Kenny said. Whenever the blonde boy showed vulnerability Butters felt like he put on this puppy dog pout. He cared a lot about this kind of stuff. He wanted to help him too. “You keep saying you want to go somewhere. Hawaii, Denver, somewhere closer. You aren't the only one who has things to run from. If we cant run AWAY why not run towards each other instead?” Kenny asked.

He couldn't help but fidget lightly, brushing his hand against the side of the cracked seat..

“I really don’t know what to say about any of that… I guess I’m a hypocrite for in the same breath saying that I want to do anything in my power to help and support YOU.” He commented, turning to meet eyes with him. He seemed more relaxed since he got into the car.

“A little bit but at the same time, It's a huge relief to have you say that.” Kenny chuckled softly, his hands ghosting the taped up steering wheel but not yet moving the car. “I really don't want to lose you. Like, not at all. I don't care if I have to just call you a friend even when I want to kiss the way you look at me off your face. I’ll stick around. You’re not some replaceable person in my life. I mean, if you left the only person that would consistently care about me would be Cartman and I’m not sure if you can even call that care…”

Buttes chuckled in response to that, sliding his hand over the center console to rub his shoulder.

“You’re not going to lose me…” He said. He wanted to give him more out of his response but he never had someone say this to him before. He never saw someone so intent on keeping him in their life that they would… go to all these little troubles just to keep them around. Kenny sure was something else. “I’m not going to go anywhere until you’re the one who tells me to fuck off.”

Kenny chuckled. He was really happy he could make him laugh again. He felt like he was putting him through so much shit he didn't really need right now. Especially after the things Kenny just told him in confidence.

“If I ever tell you to fuck off, don't go. I’ll need you then more than ever.” Kenny admitted, leaning himself over and kissing Butters cheek. It was a soft genuine act and it had Butters heart skip a couple of beats. It wasn't anything big or romantic but it was really adorable and well placed in the moment.

Instead of continuing the conversation Butters just yanked him by his shirt and pulled him into a sincere hug, petting the back of his head. He would hold him there forever if he let him but before he could entertain the thought Kenny kind of… Broke the fuck down against his shoulder. He didn't really realize until he felt his shaking arms wrap around his torso and squeeze like his life depended on it. He must have been so fucking scared…

Butters pulled his fingers lightly through to just below his ear, letting him cry whatever he needed to out while he admired his strength for holding it in so lot. There was this weird sense of pride in him Butters never felt for anyone he was fond of. Hell, he’s seen Stan cry more than a handful of times and he never cared this much. What he saw as weakness even in himself he saw as Kenny’s biggest strengths.

“I’m sorry.” Kenny huffed, eyes red and puffy from holding back crying for so long. “Sometimes it just feels better to cry when you need to instead of pretending it's not creeping up the back of your throat hah…”

“You don't have to apologize, I’m really sorry if I made you upset with all of this.”

“You didn't. In a fucked up way you were thinking of ME too.” He laughed. Butters loved his laugh.

He paused for a minute and wiped a stray tear off Kenny’s cheek like he’s done for him a million times before. It was weird to see him so vulnerable but he was growing to love the side of him that not everyone got to see. He was so raw and real. He wasn't afraid to cry and he didn't judge anyone.

“Lemme get your opinion on something."

“Hmm? Sure.”

“How do you feel about... a road trip to Denver?”

 

 

**

 

 

Butters never thought he would feel this free. He should have noticed the way Kenny had his car packed up, off brand snacks half open littering the back seat of the car. He felt like he was running away… He felt like he was running away. Kenny’s fingers were tangled with his and every once in a while he would squeeze them just to feel the heartbeat racing through his skin. There was a strange calm that seemed to be washing over them simultaneously. Butters knew that the feeling wasn't going to last forever but he took it in and held it close to his heart. Home didn't matter.

If home was really where his heart is it was playing out of this shitty beat up car radio, blasting this soft beat that timed with the rain outside. With Kenny.

“So you’re dad really doesn't want you to see me anymore? Shocker.” Kenny said passive aggressively as he put on his blinker. His eyes were fixated on the road but he was still able to put inflection in his voice as if the conversation was the only focus he had. “I wonder what I did to piss him off so much.”

“You really didn't do anything. He just doesn't like the thought of he having friends. At least friends that are too close.” Butters grabbed a twizzler from the package opened up by his feet and popped it into his mouth. “I think he freaked out when he realized that you… had some sort of clue what he was like. He didn't even seem mad he just seemed scared. Like you were going to do something or tell someone.”

Kenny pursed his lips. “I mean I thought about it… but when I was younger and someone called Social Services on me and my parents it made everything a thousand times worse. Sure, my parents sucked absolute shit but you a lot of people don't realize getting put in a foster home is worse. We were lucky enough to all stay together until my parents got back custody but… sometimes what’s in best interest really isn’t.”

“No exactly! When I was in middle school I got called to the office for a bruise I had on my leg the teacher saw in gym and I musta said something because they called an investigation on my dad… He was really intense but he can hold himself together well so they didn't seek much more professional aid… Boy did I get it that time. He was so angry my mom had to physically hold him back.”

“Is your mom supportive of you at all?”

Butters paused at that. Was she? He always saw her as such but Kenny might not. He didn't want to play it up because he did say he was going to be more honest with him…

“I would say so. She’s been in the process of leaving my Dad for a while. She’s had my back a couple of times but the longer she stays the less shes physically there with us you know? She leaves early and comes home late. She says that she’s volunteering at the church but I think she’s met someone.” He felt odd saying any of that out loud. He’s never confided that in anyone...

“So she’s going to take you with her right?”

“Oh, I sure hope so. I just hope for my sake that it's soon. When things are good they’re really good so I can get by on that… and now every day I’ve had you there in some way so the bad times seem even more worth it. I mean, We’re going to _Denver_.” Butters beamed, letting go of Kenny’s hand and rubbing the back of his neck as he drove. “You’re like a little guardian angel. Who knew we’d fall in love over Ritalin and Eric Cartman.”

“Oh shut your mouth.” Kenny laughed, looking over at him for a brief second. “Hand me one of those twizzlers.”

“You want me to feed it to you while you drive?”

“Why ELSE would I take you to Denver.”

Butters laughed to himself and held it up to Kenny’s mouth so he could nibble it. There was something so domestic and soft about all of this. Things came so naturally with him.

The exit signs came and went and the trees blurred together out both of their windows as they drove. The sound of Kenny’s car STRUGGLING to make it to their destination, as loud as it was, really was the least of their worries.

Kenny choked a little on his Twizzler before he spoke up again. “I think maybe you should just move out… I mean, there's plenty of places you can go. My house isn't exactly ABLE to sustain another person but you’re more than willing to stay with us until you get on your feet.”

Butters eyes blinked. What?

“I’m not 18 yet.”

“You don't have to be 18 to move out. You can leave at 16 and the state won't force you to go back unless you’re in danger. I feel like 18 is more of an OPEN concept.”

“Your home life isn’t that great either. Isn’t it like jumping straight from a fire into a bed of rusty nails?”

“Eh. You won’t get hit anymore… we might struggle but we can make it work. We had Karen when we were worse off then we are now. At least my mom has a job… granted it's working at Walmart. It’s an income. The drug money is good too… I’ve been thinking about getting into selling weed but with the dispensaries opening up I don't think the money market would be as good as it used to be.”

Butters seemed to be stuck on the fact that he COULD leave. He really could. His father would fight tooth and nail to get him back probably… That might put a damper on domestic home life with Kenny.

“If I move in and you start selling weed I might do that too… more money into the house you know? I don’t want to free load.”

“Butters STOTCH selling pot… no ones going to buy from you because no ones going to believe you would do something as SCANDALOUS as selling WEED.”

“That would just make it harder for people to believe if I ever got caught too. Never thought of that one huh?”

Kenny’s laugh was like honey. “Wow you’re so right.”

“... Would you be satisfied if I said I would consider it?”

“Selling weed or moving out?”

“... BOTH.” Butters laughed, playing with the hairs on the back of Kenny’s neck. “More so the moving out because I could always get a job that doesn't involve breaking the law but at least I don't need to fill out a W-2 for selling weed.”

“I’d be more satisfied with a ‘yes, Kenny I’ll move out’ but I’ll take a consideration.” Kenny turned a bit to look at him at a red light. It seemed like the world was all around them but the only things that would ever matter were in this car at this very moment. Chips, Redbull, and Kenny.

“What are we going to do in Denver.” Butters asked. He fully intended on changing the subject and just this one time Kenny seemed to let him.

“I figured we would find some free parking by City Park… have a ghetto picnic… take a walk. There’s a couple of free museums and shit we can check out but I don't know if that's a free student thing or if it's a FREE to everyone thing…”

Butters didn't respond right away, pulling out his phone and doing a quick Google search.

_Free Things to do in Denver Colorado._

 

“Ooh!” Butters cooed at his phone, flipping through pages. “There's a fair going on… it's one of those small pack up on-the-road fairs but it's a fair none the less… I probably have a couple of bucks we can go on a ride or two.. Get cotton candy.” Butters licked his lips at the thought. He hadn’t had any sort of fun like that in so long.

“You want to go?”

“Hell yeah I do.”

 

 

**

 

 

“YES!” Butters laughed, hanging himself over the railing on the line towards the Ferris wheel. It wasn't his favorite ride ever but the sight in Denver had to be one of the greatest in the world. His eyes sparkled, turning to Kenny. He was all held up in the stuffed animal Butters had won for him just an hour prior. A small stuffed polar bear, and his large puffy cotton candy wand. When Butters had originally given it to him Kenny tried to play it off like it was no big deal but he had caught him staring lovingly at it quite a few times. “Kenny! Look how tall it is.”

He turned to look at him and this time he caught him staring lovingly at… something else. Their eyes met and Butters couldn't help a small smile. He was right where he was supposed to be. No where else in this world did he fit so perfectly.

“It's the tallest one I’ve ever seen… thank you again for getting us tickets to it, I wish I coulda contributed more.”

“Well, If we consider it a date would it make you feel better?” He asked, taking Kenny’s arm. He couldn't believe he actually said something like that to him…

Kenny was thrown off, scrunching up his nose. “I’m supposed to be the one who pays for the dates?”

“Shut up… You’re funny if you think you're the Top of the relationship.” Butters snickered, bumping into Kenny playfully as they moved up in the line.

“OH so who’s going to be the top then? We can’t both be bottoms.”

“Uh? I’m the top.”

Kenny looked over at him and raised an eyebrow, bonking his head down against Butters. “Sure…”

Butters bonked his head back against his, furrowing his eyebrows. “Okay fine you caught me but… I still want to pay for dates sometimes… If uh- that's something we’re actually serious about…”

The guy that was running the Ferris wheel waved them forward and Butters practically DRAGGED Kenny up into a big blue car, holding onto his arm as it swung a bit. The seats were a bit uncomfortable but they always were. The charm of a fair was the gross parts too.

Kenny seemed fine… until the car went up a bit. It shook against the chains and made a loud clunk as the people behind them got into their car. Butters could feel his body tense as they locked eyes. His stature made it look like he was holding his breath. Butters genuinely never saw him look at him like that before and it scared him.

“Kenny?”

“Yep.”

“... Are you scared of heights?”

“Yyyyyep.”

“WHAT? Oh my god Kenny we didn't have to go on this.” Butters frowned, scooting closer. As he did the car wiggled and Kenny’s shoulders visibly raised in fear. He wasn't sure what he could do to calm him down so he just looked down at his hand and played with his stiff fingers.

“You really wanted to go on it…”

“... Ken.” Butters furrowed his eyebrows with a laugh. He gently tapped his chin and made him look at him more directly. He could see the fear in his eyes soften at they met. God Kenny was so cute. “We’re gonna be okay… The cart seems really strong...”

“It’s not about the cart, It's about how high up we are. If we fell-”

Butters cooed softly and kissed Kenny’s cheek. “Hey, We aren't going to fall. We’re practically in a cage! We aren't going to fall… Look.. come here..” He stood himself up and Kenny yelped, grabbing his hands. “We’re okay…” He laughed, pulling Kenny up and over to the caged side of the cart. He could tell how scared he was and he didn't want him to be. ‘I’m not going to let anything happen to you.”

Butters felt a gust of air hit his face and it was immediate freedom. The smell of funnel cakes filled his nose and the sun setting on the horizon made the scenery just surreal. This was what he wanted forever. Peace.

Kenny wrapped his arms around his waist from behind and held him close, resting his chin on Butters shoulder. “It’s pretty if you don't look down.”

“Then don't look down.” Butters laughed, turning to nuzzle his cheek against Kenny’s face. He saw his eyes full of wonder... He wondered if anyone has ever treated Kenny like this. He wanted to be the last person to treat him like that. “You trust me right?”

“I kinda have to. Nobody will hear me scream.”

“Will you stop… Okay… I’m going to move alright?” He lifted his leg and turned around to face him, wrapping his arms gingerly around Kenny’s neck. “This okay?”

He saw Kenny gulp, eyes flitting down to his lips. “Yeah… This is a better sight anyway...”

The look in his eyes was a different kind of nervous now.

Butters blushed, leaning his forehead up against Kenny's. “You’re just telling me what I want to hear.” He whispered, pulling some of Kenny’s hair behind his ear. “By all means- Keep doing it. I’m just saying.”

“I never want to go home.” Kenny said, resting his cheek on Butters forehead as he looked towards the sunset.. “I know we do, but I don't want to.”

Butters tried to relish in the warmth he was shrouded in. “Me neither.”

 

 

**

 

 

Kenny’s car got louder and louder the closer they got home. Butters had his phone off so he didn't know whether or not he got any messages from his Dad. He didn't care. He wasn't going to let his Dad ruin everything. He didn't care anymore. There was this confidence in his soul from being so close to happiness today… he wasn't going to lose it.

He wasn't going to apologize.

The last 10 minutes in the car was the worst. Not only was he unhappy to be back but Kenny was too. They were really able to get away from everything… spend time together.

Kenny had the little bear on his lap the whole way and only now was he anxiously squeezing it.

“Should I park down the block?”

“No, just park in front of the house.”

Kenny made a face but he wasn't able to pinpoint the emotion on it. The car creaked to a stop at the corner of his yard and anxiety filled the car. His living room light was on and his father's car was parked sloppy in the driveway. He must have drove home angry.

“Thank you… for today. For everything.” Butters said, unbuckling his seat belt. “Oh… and Kenny?”

Kenny’s ears perked and he turned to look at him, almost immediately meeting his lips in a soft sweet kiss. It seemed neither of them expected to go through with it because they pulled away from it immediately, just staring at each other a minute. Butters heart was racing.

“Let’s try that again.” Kenny said with a smile, leaning in more surely this time and holding a hand to Butters cheek. The kiss was slow and the taste of Kenny’s lips from all the cotton candy was intoxicating. More than that… it was refreshing to finally KISS him. To hold him close and just be with him…. He didn't want to pull away.

Kenny was the one to break it first, petting his cheek with the pad of this thumb.

“I won’t pull away until you text me and tell me you're okay.”

Butters frowned to himself, holding his hand close to his heart before he moved and kissed Kenny again. There was more of a sense of urgency with this one then the last two. It was unspoken but he knew he was staying in case Butters needed somewhere to go…

“Actually… could you come in with me to get my stuff?”


	6. Final

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Actually… could you come in with me to get my stuff?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all I just wanted to thank every person who decided to give this fic a chance! This was a lot of fun to write and I really enjoyed writing it. This was the first time I ever wrote a multichapter fic and finished it. I'm really interested in writing more of this AU so if you want to keep an eye on it by all means. This one however has come to a close. 
> 
> Thank you so so so much! I hope you enjoy the end, and I hope you enjoyed the ride!  
> (sorry for all the spelling errors... Ima be real w u i didnt proof read.... uwu)

“Actually… could you come in with me to get my stuff?”

Kenny seemed to be a bit thrown off by that because the silence that filled the loud car seemed to last a lifetime. Butters wasn't sure if that was the right thing to do or even the right thing to ask but he stayed strong on his stance. He wanted to get his stuff. He wanted to go to Kenny’s house.

“Yeah.” Kenny finally said, leaning forward and kissing Butters forehead. His lips lingered. This was a really big moment. He knew Kenny could feel the weight of the situation at hand and finally he felt… supported. “I just… want to make something clear before we go in. If you move in, we have to take our relationship really REALLY slow… like millimeters at a time… I want you to get used to living in a less toxic household before anything.”

Butters couldn't help but chuckle at how displaced his words were. “Don't worry about that now okay? Lets focus on this… Let’s focus on getting my stuff and taking a well deserved nap afterwards.”

“Gotcha, bad timing I get it, Let’s go.” The dirty blonde boy immediately unbuckled his seat belt and adjusted his shirt, opening the door. Butters could tell he was… apprehensive. He was too.

He followed him out of the car, leaving his phone and his wallet under the seat. It was something stupid, but he wanted to make sure if anything went wrong he would have at least that excuse to run back to the car and scoot the fuck out of there.

The walk up to the doorstep felt like an eternity. Before they even got there they could hear his Dad yelling loudly to himself in the living room. Neither boy was focusing on WHAT he was saying but more what he COULD say. He could force Butters to stay, well, he could try.

Butters knocked on the door confidently, snaking his hand into Kenny’s and squeezing his fingers so tightly in his he thought Kenny would lose all blood flow to the appendages. He didn't seem to mind while he squeezed him back with the same force.

The door came flying open, banging hard against the wall. This was it.

“WHERE have you been? The school called AGAIN!” His dad SCREAMED. Butters couldn't help but flinch towards Kenny. Every word he said felt like a fucking dagger into his side. The anger wasn't toned down for company. He was FURIOUS.

“I’m just here to get my stuff.” Butters felt the adrenaline rush through his body and settle in the pits of his stomach. He couldn't believe that he was doing it. For some reason, someone by his side felt SAFER. “You can’t stop me.”

“Like HELL YOU ARE.” His Dad got up in his face, grabbing him by the neck of his shirt. Kenny immediately shut that down, yanking Butters back by his forearm. He was surprised his Dad let go with such ease.

Kenny didn't say ANYTHING though. He just stood there in front of him partially covering his shaking form. There was something so oddly heroic even though the boy was shaking like crazy.

He couldn't help but feel this rush down to his toes. Someone got between him and his father. He put himself in danger for him.

Instead of guilt, he felt eternally grateful.

“Let us in” Kenny said.

Butters Dad laughed loudly, turning to Butters. The look in his eyes was FERAL.

“You really going to let this punk talk to me like this? Go to your room and wait for me to come up. You are so grounded.”

“I’m going up to my room.” Butters choked on his words, holding Kenny’s arm. “Getting my stuff… and I’m leaving.”

His dad went to speak again but Butters got louder. 

  
“You have… two choices. You can let me go upstairs, quietly get my things, and you won't see me again… Or you can take me upstairs, beat me, and I go to social services tomorrow and send you to jail.” Butters said, pushing Kenny aside a bit. “I can just walk away. No pain for either of us. Let me through, Dad.” 

There was a ringing in the back of his ears as he watched his Dad process that. He didn't know… where all of this confidence came from. He guessed that he was just so done that if his Dad decided in a moment of anger that he wanted him to stay it would just a decision he would have to respect. His Dad in prison? He wouldn’t last. He wouldn't fair.

“...Butters.” His Dad began, expression softening an unreal amount from a couple seconds ago. His stomach lurched. “You’re my son… I… all I ever do to you is to help you. To prepare you for the real world. I want to motivate you.”

“What you do to me… isn't motivation. It isn't love. It isn't helpful. It hurts me. It hurts the people I love. It hurts mom. It even hurts you. It doesn't hurt you enough to STOP you… but I know that it does. I see the way you look at me the mornings after. You need help, and I can't stick around and help you with something that's harming me. I have to go.” Butters chokes on his words, Kenny’s kind hand reassuring him as he spoke. “I’m not doing this anymore. You ONLY have these two choices.”

“You’re my son.” His Dad spoke again, trying to get close and touch his shoulder but Butters flinched away. “You’re all I have.”

The way he was speaking to him was breaking his heart. He couldn't help but feel like a shitty son but he tried to hard to push that out of his brain. He wasn't a shitty person for doing something for him. He wasn't a shitty person for leaving a toxic situation into a better one. He wasn't a bad person.

He couldn't even think of anything comforting to say. 

“Please let us through.” 

Butters dad hesitated, clearly trying to find something to say. There wasn't really anything to stay. He could sit and scream and vent out all the frustrations over the years but it would just be falling on deaf ears. His Dad would say absolutely anything to get his way. Anything to keep him here. It was borderline sickening.

“I’ll do better.”

“How many times have you said that?” Butters asked, trying to keep his composure.

“I’ll try more. I’ll go to therapy this time… we all will. You, me, your mother… We can still be a family.”

“We can’t.”

His Dad huffed a bit and went to grab Butters arm in desperation but stopped before he made contact. It felt like an eternity before he finally moved aside, letting him and Kenny inside of the house.

Butters hoped to god it would be the last time.

 

 

**

 

 

Going through his bedroom was probably one of the most depressing things he’s ever done.  There wasn't much to salvage. Too many bad memories. Too many bad attachments to objects. The most he could bring himself to take was a duffel bag full of his cleanest, newest clothes as well as a couple of stuffed animals he had grown fond of from his childhood. Anything on the walls was shrouded in painful memories. Anything in his drawers were coping mechanisms he could bare to part with.

He grabbed Kenny’s clothes and his PS4, phone charger, and some HDMI cables. 

“Is that all?” Kenny asked, poking around by his bed. 

Butters looked around the room and just… stood there. This was the place he spend the most time. The place he grew up. Grounded for weeks or even months at a time this had become his safe haven.

But tonight it was cold and unfeeling. There was this sadness that had seeped into the walls and burrowed itself in so deep it was irremovable. There was nothing left for him here.

For some reason, it broke his heart completely.

“That’s all.” He sniffed, wiping his eyes. Kenny’s hands clasped over his shoulders to comfort him, kissing the crown of his head.

“We’re going to be okay. You know that deep down.”

“No- I do I do I just…”

“I know.” Kenny frowned. 

Butters turned to him and buried his face into the crook of his neck. If he closed his eyes tight enough the feelings would be over. His Dad would pretend he never existed and he could make himself at home somewhere he was wanted. Somewhere he could call a home.

“We’re okay, I know it hurts.”

Once the last of his bags were packed in the car he knew it was time to go but he lingered on the porch. It was hard to grasp that this wasn't his home anymore so he forced himself to accept it just for the moment. There was time to heal. There was no time to hesitate.

“Butters.” His Dad called just before he had shut the door. 

Kenny’s ears perked like he was a startled rottweiler but Butters waved at him to reassure him things were okay. There was nothing his Dad could do to him now. He was on the porch. He was more the  halfway gone.

“Please.” His Dad croaked, holding the door open. “You’re all I have.”

“... I guess you're just going to have to deal with that yourself then.”

Butters didn't force the door closed but he walked away from it, jumping into the passenger seat of Kenny’s car and putting a hand onto his warm thigh.

“Let’s get the fuck out of here… I can’t stand to see his face.”

 

**

 

The freedom that released from Butters soul in these defining moments was relieving. He had always thought he would leave in his mother's car, wrapped in a warm blanket with a new family.

Instead he was warmed by Kenny’s broken heating system, wrapped up in this impossible love with a new start at life. He didn't understand why such a huge part of him was so broken.

“You good?” Kenny asked quietly.

He wasn't sure how to answer that so he didn't. He just sat there and rubbed his hand along Kenny’s warm thigh. Today was one of the best days of his entire life. A blessing in disguise. If he could just figure out how to get past the crippling sadness that was rendering him silent things would be good NOW. After this long he couldn't bare to wait.

Kenny took the hint when he didn't respond and just focused on taking them back to his house. His eyes were very stiffly on the road. Butters wished he could read minds to just pick at what he could be thinking about.

It took them all of 10 minutes to bring in the majority of Butters stuff once they got there.

The boys were both shrouded in silence. No one asked what they were doing as they trudged through the house. No one wanted to know what happened. No one said anything.

Butters collapsed down onto Kenny’s bed once the got in the room, staring at the ceiling. There were cracks and holes, and even a little bit of a wet spot from the rainstorm this morning. But it was.. Home.

“I’m proud of you, you know.” Kenny said, opening up a dresser drawer and starting to clean out some of the unnecessary things in there to make room for some of Butters clothes. Butters turned his head to him and smiled.

“Stop buttering me up… I’m not like… about to have a mental breakdown or anything.”

“Then what’s on your mind?”

Butters pondered for a second before he exhaled. “Honestly… there’s not a lot on my mind. I feel like somehow this is a dream… something that I’ll wake up from with a bloody nose.” He chuckled. It wasn't funny but… it was more of a nervous reaction. “It’s crazy to just be here… with you. No fear. Nothing. I don't even want to unpack I just want to nap.”

Kenny tossed a couple of things into the corner of his room and walked over, plopping down on the bed next to him. He shifted and struggled against the covers before he relaxed on his stomach with his palm against his cheek. “You know… it's going to take a while to unlearn the feeling. But you will. You got a whole new way of life you’re going to have to learn now… Imagine it… with good old Kenny--.” He cooed, leaning in and nuzzling lovingly against Butters cheek.

“I know.” He replied, bumping his face back against his. This was… surreal.

Kenny’s entire presence was just wrapped up in warmth. Nothing ever felt this good before.

“I love you.” Butters admitted, his eyes fluttering shut against the beautiful blonde boy in front of him. “I don't… know if I am in love with you, but I love you.”

“I get what you mean. I love you too. Enough to let you move in with me at the very least.”

 

 

**

 

 

Before Butters knew it he was waking up wrapped in Kenny’s arms, Kenny breathing softly into the crook of his neck. He wasn't sure when they had fallen asleep but absolutely nothing was unpacked. His bags littered the already dirty room and what seemed to be a stray cat had taken shop in the open drawer Kenny was picking through before. 

The windows blocked by curtains Kenny had push pinned into the wall were pitch black. Butters believed it was midnight but when he opened his phone to check it was only 10. Even a 3 hour nap felt better here then an entire nights sleep at his Dad’s house. What a difference.

Butters wiggled up and out of Kenny’s arms, making sure the boy was still asleep before kissing his cheek. He didn't want to wake Kenny up if it meant he would sleep the rest of the night. He always looked so tired a couple extra hours couldn't hurt him.

He made his way over to Kenny’s dresser and kindly picked up the rather small calico. He knew Kenny didn't have a cat but this one was friendly so he politely brought it to the edge of the room and set her on a pile of dirty clothes. Watching her small body stretch and immediately huddle into the hood of a sweatshirt made his heart swell. Little things. What a delight.

He turned his attention back to the dresser. Mental note: buy some garbage bags. He wanted to clean up his room for him but he didn't feel comfortable using stuff that the family had here. He didn't mind dropping 3 bucks to help out.

He put the rest of the wrappers and old porno magazines on the floor and started to unpack his duffel into the drawer. It would be more than enough room. He didn't exactly over pack.

Butters rubbed his eyes. He could have gone back to sleep... He probably should have. 

He just wanted this house to feel like home too. If he didn't unpack now he was going to be living out of bags. He knew for a fact if it wasn't done soon he would never do it.

“Good morning.” Kenny rolled over, his eyes shrouded with this sleepy glow. Butters cursed himself internally for being too loud. He was hoping he could keep him asleep.

“Sorry, am I being too loud?”

“No… no… but I lost my favorite space heater and the bed started to get cold so I wondered… hmm… where did he go…”

“Oh, I just wanted to get my stuff all organized and put together before I came back to sleep… you on the other hand should close those eyes.” He scolded playfully as he picked out a sweatshirt and laid it flat against the top of the dresser. Kenny just seemed to be watching him, his eyes fading closed a bit longer than usual every couple seconds.

“I’m not that tired… I don't want to be sleeping like a lazy ass while you do all this shit let me help.” Kenny said. He rose to his feet and stumbled a bit into Butters, playing it off like he was trying to do that and not that he was just DEAD tired. Butters couldn’t help but lean against him. 

“It’s just folding clothes for now… I don't have that much so--”

He was cut off by Kenny leaning down and grabbing his bag, taking out a couple of shirts and plopping himself down on the floor. “I don't mind helping.”

Butters couldn't stop the smile from spreading across his face. He was such a kind guy… He literally didn't have to do any of this for him. He decided to keep his mouth shut and just continued folding his clothes. The blonde boy next to him, who most likely had never folded his clothes a day in his life, politely watched how he constructed the shirt and followed suit. This was kind of adorable… Domestic.

There was an odd calm that washed over him in those moments. There wasn't much of a stress to do or say anything.

Even with the odds stacked against him he was able to stop and live in the moment. 

“Once we finish, do you want to go get something to eat? My treat.” Butters said, sliding a neatly folded pile of shirts into the drawer. Seemed like his entire world would fit in there. On second thought, maybe just barely.

“I’ll never say no to a meal… what were you thinking?” 

Butters pondered for a moment, grabbing the last few articles of his clothing out of the bag and tucking it under his chin. “Uh- dunno. The KFC is probably still open. We could always go to 7/11 to they have those cheap subs and beef jerky… We could get like… a MEGA Big Gulp and share it too.”

“A gourmet meal.” Kenny smiled.

It wasn't long after they heard a knock at Kenny’s door, the both of them kind of awkwardly shuffling around to answer it.

“Kenny! You promised.” A small girl stood in the doorway, a tattered old board game box tight in her hands. Butters briefly thought about asking Kenny why she was up so late but this WAS the McCormick house and he doubted any of the kids EVER had a bedtime. “You told me yesterday that we would-- Oh…” Her big green eyes turned to Butters, looking him up and down before scowling a bit. “You ditched me for your friends?”

“Nonono!” Kenny seemed to start scrambling, ruffling at her hair. “My pal here got into some trouble, he’s gonna be staying with us for a while. I’m sorry, kiddo..”

The young girls expression seemed to soften, her eyes flicking from Kenny to Butters. “Well… if he’s going to stay here he might as well play WITH us. It is up to a 4 player game..” She lifted the box and shook it with a shit eating grin on her face. “Can we can we?”

Kenny seemed a bit put off but Butters smiled kindly. “Of course we can-” He wailed his arm over and punched Kenny lightly in the side. “Right, Ken?”

Butters would NEVER forget the way Karen laughed.

“Yeah, KEN. Of course we can!” She snickered.

 

 

***Two Weeks Later***

 

 

Butters eyes opened slowly with the sound of his alarm. He groaned out and rolled over ON TOP of Kenny, practically pushing him off the bed. Living with Kenny came up with it's own set of problems but for the most part it was good. Not just for Butters but for the both of them. Sure, the house was falling apart and Kenny had to take up selling weed to support the household but that was beside the point.

Butters didn't get hit anymore. Kenny couldn't cut school when he was the both of their rides. 

Not to mention Butters father stopped all attempts at contacting him after the first week he was gone. There would come a time eventually in the future he could rebuild. It probably wouldn't be for a long long while.

Butters rolled himself off Kenny and pushed his feet up against his thighs to jostle his body. “Wake up… we are going to be late.” He purred, suddenly PUSHING his legs clean off the bed. Kenny’s body thumped to the floor over dramatically.

“You fucking ass... ow.” He groaned. 

“You are taking up so much SPACE.” Butters frowned, hanging his head off the bed right above Kenny’s face. “I’m always making love to the wall when I wake up.”

“Better than making love to the FLOOR.” He scowled as he flicked Butters in the nose. “Asshole.”

“Will you stop callin’ me that? You’re gonna make me cry.”

“Those baby blues… those big tears… it's not worth it.” Kenny yelled dramatically, covering his face. “You’ll drown us all.”

Butters chuckled. “Get up… we have to get ready for school.”

It was so mundane to watch Kenny get himself up to throw on any outfit that happened to be on his floor that moment. The best part was just getting to be around him…

The days seemed to mesh together lately. There was never a dull moment or a primarily bad day. There was never a time where Butters felt he was going to get hit or hurt… There was just life. The world as it was going on around him. Karen was learning how to play the violin loudly in the other room most afternoons. Kevin came to visit more often than not. Mostly to shower and shave before he went to his night job repossessing cars. Kenny’s father was around less and less so the arguments had dwindled over the years. They still drank, but there was a lot less toxicity as the kids aged.

Even so Butters did feel like he was in an episode of “Shameless” sometimes. If Kenny was anyone he would definitely be Lip-

“You going to get ready sleeping beauty?” Kenny asked, pushing his hand through a sock to see if it had holes. His hand went… right through it.

“Yeah, just give me a second.” Butters slid himself out of bed and stretched up, unable to take his eyes off of Kenny. 

For the first time he felt the excitement for his future simmer in his heart. Though it seemed like such anti-climactic end of a hectic chapter he was here. He was alive. There was nothing that could possibly stand in his way now. 

 

More than four children die every day as a result of child abuse.

_ And you were not one of them. _

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1(800)422-4453
> 
> “The Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline is dedicated to the prevention of child abuse. Serving the U.S. and Canada, the hotline is staffed 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with professional crisis counselors who—through interpreters—provide assistance in over 170 languages. The hotline offers crisis intervention, information, and referrals to thousands of emergency, social service, and support resources. All calls are confidential."


End file.
